Rugby boys, soggy Greggs, and social martyrs: Things scarier than Halloween in the Toon

The house Wi-Fi’s given up again, and you can’t remember whether you paid for your TV license, so spooky film nights are looking unlikely.

Don’t worry, though – set aside your screens, and look outside your window at the Toon, which holds all the creepy “entertainment” you desire. 

1. The walk back from The Quayside Wetherspoon

Unnecessarily poorly lit and entirely uphill, there are too many bushes for people to hide behind. It’s also cobblestoned in a way that brings Jack the Ripper’s Whitechapel murders to mind.

Do not walk this path alone. You might fall into the traditional horror movie trope of a killer chase, and be in a cold sweat for the entire journey. 

2. Rugby boys

I wish I could say these boys have been harmfully stereotyped, and we should all be working harder to prove that they are humans, too, but I am yet to be proven otherwise.

Expect the stench of their sweat a mile away, and chants that can be heard across the city. I look forward to seeing their sexy Halloween costumes (they’ll be wearing their chinos and matching ties).  

3. Cold, soggy Greggs

This one’s self-explanatory. A truly gory sight.  

4. The social martyr

Another strong contender. These people are one of uni life’s greatest horrors. Their experience of Freshers’ Flu is likened to the Black Death. They also never admit when they’re in the wrong.

And, of course, they always have it just a little bit worse than everyone else, despite their £150 weekly budget and largely stress-free existence. Terrifying. 

5. Over-forties lurking in student clubs

Is this the only thing they have going for them on a Friday night?

Most Read

It’s been three weeks since Christa Pike’s botched lethal injection – this is how she is today

Selena Gomez finally reveals the reason her voice has changed so much is down to nicotine

Rob Beckett opens up on his long friendship with James Acaster amid Celebrity Traitors claims

I’ve heard many horror stories about older men following my friends silently around the club, wielding their beers in a manner similar to Michael Myers with his knife.

Beware of them when Halloween comes along – they can wear masks, and disguise themselves for longer. 

6. The friend of a friend’s unavoidable boyfriend

Yes, of course my friends and I were desperate for your non-verbal, vaguely homophobic boyfriend to show up to our pres and later stand a few feet away from us in the club with his hands hanging gormlessly at his sides.

Yikes.

Expect to see him in a prisoner outfit this Halloween, because God forbid he’s convinced to do a couple’s costume.  

7. The second year house party phenomenon 

Everyone is desperate to become the best hosts of the year, and what better time to cement this great honour than Halloween?

Promises of banging live music and strobe lights fly out the window the moment you step inside. You’ll instead be met with a socially inept boy mixing bad house tunes, and people milling around awkwardly looking for someone who wants a snog.

Leave immediately at that point. 

This Halloween season, you can find your fair share of horrors in creepy alleyways and overbearing men in linen shirts that haven’t been washed since last year. Might be worth keeping a tally.

For more of the latest news, guides, gossip, and memes, follow The Newcastle Tab on Instagram and TikTok.