Yeah, yeah, I know.

“If you cheat, you’re only cheating yourself.”

“What good is a 2:1 when you have to survive a lifetime of guilt?”

Sit atop your mountain of morality if you want, but sometimes you just know that you’re fucked. Your exam is in six hours and there’s simply no chance of learning the entire module in time.

In hindsight, you probably should have gone to a couple of lectures but, then again, you’re now really really good at FIFA. Swings and roundabouts.

But don’t worry, we’re here to help. Examiners have caught on to all the classic ways of cheating like writing on your palm, scribbling notes on the label of your water bottle and concealing a mini-essay beneath your long-sleeved shirt, so it’s time to elaborate.

As someone probably said once, genius is the result of necessity and a crippling fear of failure. These inspired cheating tips will help you overcome that fear, nail your exams and secure that job in insurance you’ve always dreamed of.

1. The “I have hayfever”

What’s the one thing you can take into exams that an examiner is never going to check out? Snotty tissues, of course.

If you’ve got a runny nose, you’re going to be blowing it during your exam. Make some notes on your Kleenex, stuff it in your pocket and pull it out whenever you need. As long as you accompany it with a believable sneeze, it’s foolproof.

2. The “Legs Day”

Scrawl some key dates on those thighs and wear a pair of shorts long enough to conceal it when standing but short enough to ride up when you take your seat.

This is a win-win. The desk will hide your shame from prying killjoys, and your shorts will highlight those pins you’ve been sculpting in the gym.

3. The “Edgy Wanker”

It’s time to use fashion. If you like wearing a snapback, you’re a twat you’ve got an added advantage. Write your notes on the underside of the cap and simply look up when you’re stuck.

Alternatively, use the rolled-up jeans look to smuggle some scribbles onto your ankles. Keep them down when you enter and leave the exam hall, but these days no-one is going to think twice if you show a bit of achilles when doing your Ancient Greek essay.

4. The “Secret Agent”

You know when M gave James Bond that invisible car in Die Another Day and you decided you wanted to be a secret agent? This is the next best thing.

Buy yourself a massive calculator, hollow it out and stick your phone in. All you need to do now is pretend that electric light on your desk is just your mathematical equations, when actually you’re googling the answers, planning a Snapchat story or sending a tweet about how annoying Sam Thompson is.

Not sure it can be done? Think again:

5. The “Extra Wrigley Manoeuvre”

You may not be allowed labels on your water bottle any more, but no-one’s going to confiscate your chewing gum.

This one takes a lot of time and effort to pull off, but it shows the kind of initiative employers will love to hear about. Basically, type your notes on a word document in the smallest possible font, then stick a chewing gum wrapper in the printer. Press print and, if you’ve got it right, it should print your notes on the inside of the pack.

Wrap some gum up in it, reshape and stick it in your pocket. Voila.

6. The “Blindsider”

This one takes so much pre-planning that you may as well just do your revision. On the other hand, you’ll learn a skill that could come in handy in later life.

Essentially, learn braille. Once you’ve done that, put a little piece of plastic in your pocket which has all your answers in the form of braille.

Not sure when Shakespeare died? No problem, dip your hand into your jeans and feel the knowledge.

7. The “Wounded Soldier”

What’s that? You’ve sprained your wrist in a horrific library-related incident? That’s a shame.

A bandage or a cast can’t be removed, but examiners can ask to cover it up. So, pretend you have friends which would sign your cast and write some code-names on it.

They won’t think twice when they see “Get well soon, love Tim” on there, but you’ll have spent the last few days associating the name Tim with the 1964 Civil Rights Act or Georges Clemenceau

8. The “I Can’t Cope”

Perhaps not as insane as the others, this is the easiest trick in the book.

When it’s all going wrong, slam your head on the desk in the most emotional, defeatist way possible. You’ll get noticed, but everyone will be pitying you for struggling and not suspecting you of dastardly deeds.

With your head on the table, turn and sneak a peak at your neighbour’s paper. Read and copy.

Unfortunately, this will not work with essays and your neighbour will think you’re a nasty little turd. Which you are.

9. The “Come Fly With Me”

You’re going to need some balls to get away with this. But if you can manage it, you can’t be caught out.

Either write on white underwear or sneak some paper into your trousers. All you need to do now is subtly unzip your fly and glance down at the answers within.

Unless your examiner has a thing for mega-lads like yourself, they won’t be staring at your crotch.

10. The “Banksy”

Never forget that you are allowed to go to the toilet. This is your right and you should fully exercise it.

Think ahead and scribble some notes on the back of the toilet door. Your examiner can follow you to the cubicle, but they can’t go in there with you.

As long as you accompany your frantic note-reading with some believable toilet sounds, you’re in the clear.

DISCLAIMER: Don’t blame the author of this article if you’re actually dumb enough to wear a snapback try and cheat in your exams. I am not responsible for your actions.