What Stirling University actually teaches you

It’s definitely not how to pass your exams

After accepting an offer at Stirling you were taken by the prospect of lying around in the sunshine around the loch while easily catching up on coursework. But here’s what really happened and what Stirling Uni has actually taught you.

  • You must avoid Saturday nights. It comes with extra punches to the face
  • Your entire life will be dedicated to Skint Tuesday, because they are life
  • Unless you’re obnoxious due to your sporting credentials and enjoy slightly questionable bonding exercises then you will avoid Wednesdays at Fubar
  • If anyone suggests a night out to Venue you will question why they are part of your friendship group
  • Whoever created Cottrell building must have also come up with the layout for the Crystal Maze
  • Since you have no money, a 45 minute walk to the campus becomes an acceptable part of life
  • You have an unrivalled hatred for bus journeys
  • There is a significant difference between the 54 and 54A

Be safe and get on this one

  • You would not dare step foot in Bridge of Allan as you are quite aware that no one likes you
  • A whole afternoon will be planned around doing your laundry
  • You begin to wonder why Stirling was ever named a city and begin referring to it as a ‘minor-city’
  • Your pockets will be full of Dusk leaflets because you’re too polite to say no
  • The Union will be more expensive than most bars in Stirling
  • That it’s more difficult to get into the library without your student card than it is to get into Fubar without your ID
  • There is a place called Raploch and you must avoid it at all costs

No, no, no. Run. Run away

  • You’re proud of how beautiful the campus is and won’t have anyone tell you any different
  • Who is Fubar Girl?
  • Finding good coffee in the morning entails about a half a mile walk
  • You won’t sit in the Stir café because you’re not a lecturer or an arsehole
  • The disappointing thought that you will never see the campus without a building site in the middle of it
  • Geddes Court being demolished should have been marked with a day of mourning
  • Leaving your clothes and valuables on the changing room floor of the gym becomes the norm due to the six lockers available being taken
  • The Dusk staff mopping the floor constantly has caused you serious injury one night
  • You’ll go for a run around campus. Once. You realise it’s a lot bigger than it seems
  • If you don’t find a parking space before 11 o’clock then you’re fucked

Too late

  • Also, you can creatively make a parking space out of anywhere
  • You wonder why the bookshop is open after Freshers Week
  • You must block out the giggling and whispering first years who are unnecessarily taking up space in the library
  • Nothing enterprising has ever happened in the Enterprise Zone
  • The Wallace Monument stares at you as a challenge every day which you will never do
  • You’ll now have an irrational hatred for Edinburgh and Glasgow