We’ve all played Fuck, Marry, Kill (also known as Snog, Marry, Avoid if you’re playing it when you’re eleven).

It’s the game where you’re given three people to pick from and you have to say which one you would fuck, which one you’d marry and who’d you kill.

There is no finer way to get to know what somebody is really like. So we asked all the people running for Sabbatical positions in the upcoming elections who they would fuck, marry, kill and re-elect from the current four Sabbatical officers.

(Don’t worry – we also asked them lots of other questions. Those interviews are coming soon to The Tab.)

The current bunch are, in case you’ve forgotten:

• Johannes Butscher, President with a punnable surname
• Lucy Harvey, who wants you to stop smoking
• Rebecca Gracey, Sports President
• Richard Raymond, winner of the Academy Award for Best Awkward Cameo In A YouTube Video

The votes have now been counted – although two refused to play – and here they are:

So from this we learn:

• Butscher is the most popular to be killed – racking up 7 votes, more than any other candidate in any choice. Many did apologise for this, of course.
• Lucy is the most popular for some rumpy-pumpy – with 5 votes for some hanky-panky and none at all for a kill, Lucy’s really winning the popularity vote here.
• Rebecca is good marriage material – more people would prefer to settle down with the Sports President than anybody else.
• Richard Raymond is somewhere in the middle – he’s as fuckable as he is re-electable, which risks him becoming Stirling’s Bill Clinton.

And if you’re curious how individual candidates answered the question, here are their own words:

Conn O’Neill

“Marry Bex. Re-elect Richard. It’s kill and not ‘avoid’, isn’t it? Oh… obviously I can’t re-elect Johannes because he’s in my position. So I could stab him in the back… I’m killing Johannes and I’ll fuck Harvey.”

Jade Love

“I’ve got to work with these people for the next couple of months! But whoever I fuck or marry it’s gonna be really awkward. Any of them are gonna be really awkward! Erm… this is so awkward. Right. I’d marry Richard because he’s the one that I answer to, so I’ve got used to him. Bit on the side will be Bex. I’ll kill Johannes so I can get the job. I’m so sorry, guys!”

Amy McDermott

“Okay. I would elect Johannes, I would fuck Richard Raymond, I would marry Lucy Harvey. So unfortunately it’s going to have be Bex I’d kill – that’s by process of elimination.”

Clare Rafferty

“Oh goodness, this is hard! I’d say, erm… I’d kill Johannes. I feel really bad saying that. I’d re-elect Lucy. Marry… I’d marry Rebecca Gracey and I’d fuck Richard.”

Chris Priddle

“Well, I’ve known Richard Raymond for longer than at university. I went to school with him, actually – he was in the year above me. Right, so. I can’t kill Richard. I think I’ll marry Rebecca because she’s a nice girl, she’s very organised, she’s got her head in the game – pretty nice, pretty girl. Rich is my pal, so I’ll have to elect him. So, by process of elimination… I’ll have to kill Johannes, I’m afraid.”

Sarah Nelson

“I know all of them, except Richard, very well. So… that’s horrible! I was like ‘I could just kill him!’ but I don’t want to kill anybody. OK, I’ll kill him just because I don’t know him that well. I’d re-elect Rebecca – I want what’s best for the uni, and I think she’s doing really well. Can I flip a coin? Hmm. Fine, I’ll fuck Johannes and I’ll marry Lucy.”

Jack Day

“Oh-ho-ho, I knew you’d be bastards but that’s a real humdinger of a question! From those four, I guess… I will sleep with Lucy, I would marry Rich, I guess I would kill Johannes and I would re-elect Bex.”

Lauren Marriott

“This is really difficult! I’d marry Bex, because she’s my favourite thing ever. Fuck Lucy Harvey. Re-elect Rich Raymond because I think he’s really good at his job. And… sorry, Johannes! Now I feel really bad. Someone has to die… sorry, Johannes.”

Michael Wilson

“I’ll fuck Richard Raymond. Marry Rebecca Gracey. Kill Johannes. Elect Lucy Harvey.”

Abstentions:

Roz Parker: “I’d rather not. If that’s okay.”

Lauren McKay: “I’m not entirely comfortable answering that. One, because they’re the Sabb team. Also because I live with one of them. One of the other ones is actually my boss. And I also have a boyfriend – so there you go. Is this really appropriate?”