An open letter to the people who slice Domino’s pizza

It had to be done


We all know how it is. Even the shittiest of days can be turned around when someone suggests getting the D (Domino's pizza ofc). There's nothing quite as void-filling as the amazing, flavourful sensory experience of a good Domino's pizza. The comforting smell of melted cheese and fresh dough dispersing around the room. The warm embrace of the delivery box resting on your lap. When the lid is lifted, the spectacle emerges, glinting in the kitchen light. Mozzarella blending seamlessly into the tomato sauce. A masterpiece equalling that of a Picasso painting.

So yeah. Basically, Domino's is pretty great.

There's just one sliiiggghhht issue that crops up again and again, which, as much as we'd like to ignore, is horrifically difficult to do so. It has been referred to by some (well, me) as the blight of the 21st Century student.

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A testament to this love

You've probably guessed (based on the cover photo) that I'm talking about the size of the pizza slices. A large proportion of the time they are incredibly wonky, as if there had been an earthquake when the pizza was being cut, leaving some monstrous pieces overshadowing some of the smaller ones.

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Look at that lil slice

Now, don’t get us wrong, we are all about equality, and accepting every man, plant or food for who they are. However, as you can see, this particular predicament has the power to cause many problems. Let me elaborate…

In a scenario in which you may be eating alone, this may not seem like a big deal. However, this is sadly not the case. Whilst we do admit we can love a large slice, some of them are ridiculously big. Especially if you have smaller hands, they can become notoriously difficult to hold. More than a few times this has resulted in some of the toppings meeting their fate on clothes or nearby surroundings. I think we can all agree that not only is this inconvenient to clear up, but nobody likes waste (especially pizza waste).

Another common scenario is a social situation which involves sharing a pizza. If, on the off chance, you don't know the group well, you are faced with quite the conflict. Do you sacrifice the larger slice to look modest in front of these new acquaintances, and opt for the smaller piece? Or do you dive right in and grab the big guy before someone else does? Usually in these instances, because we are British, the larger piece is left until last, with nobody willing to present themselves as greedy. Unless somebody literally takes one for the team, or you decide to share it (discussed below), this sole piece is left to wither away in pizza shame. Such a magnificent beast, alone forever.

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If you know each other well, this poses a different problem entirely. There is guaranteed to be a fight about who gets the bigger piece. Despite numerous attempts at rock-paper-scissors, it never seems fair. We have to watch the victor blissfully enjoy their prize, for double the amount of time it took for us to eat the much-less-satisfying smaller piece. You may say we could solve this issue by slicing a large piece in half, however, as you are probably aware, this merely causes more issues by creating not one, but two, mediocre pieces (compared to the former). Which leaves nobody happy.

So, you see, slicers of Domino's Pizzas, this small inconvenience can have an amplified effect, and influence the mood and atmosphere of the whole social event. I hope this doesn’t cause too much offense, as our love for the deliciously unique taste of Domino's has no end. You truly are a beacon of hope at the end of a drunken night, and a saving grace for students everywhere. However, in order to solve conflicts both psychological and physical in nature, in households all over the country, we thought we could enlighten you to this matter, in the hope that something can be done.