Everything that will happen in Sheffield when England win the World Cup
Football’s coming home, but what will happen when it does?
I don't know if you know this but football is coming home. Like a student coming home for the weekend and just eating all of the biscuits, taking pictures of its pet ignoring them, and basking in the joy of wifi that actually works.
Football is coming home and it is using its 18-25 railcard to get a discount. But what would happen if (when) football comes home?
18th June 2018 – England 2-1 Tunisia
Our boys. Our brave English boys. Our brave English boys bringing home football. Brexit. Harry Kane MBE scores twice to see off those not so brave Tunisian boys. The nation starts to believe.
24th June 2018 – England (Six!) 6-1 Panama
England absolutely 'Megan from Love Island'-ed this performance. We showed up, a vodka red bull of sexual energy, we put in minimal effort, and we made everyone fall head over heels for us. Does Megan deserve that kind of attention? Who knows. Do our brave English boys deserve the attention? No. It's Panama, lads, wind your neck in.
28th June 2018 – England 0-1 Belgium
Thirty-four million pints were poured during England vs Belgium and we lost. We lost, guys.
Essentially, we turned up to do a group project in the library, left our brave English boys to do the work, and did absolutely fuck all except drink thirty-four million pints. What did we get out of it? A decent grade and an easier route to the final.
3rd July 2018 – England 1 (4)-(3) 1 Colombia
England win on penalties. England won on penalties, and that's not even me writing hypothetically yet. England. won. on. penalties.
7th July 2018 – England 2-1 Sweden
Here we are, the hypothetical sections – the time to make things up, to estimate how brave our brave English boys really are.
England will win 2-1 against a decent Sweden side, Harry Kane OBE will score the opener from the penalty spot because I fully support Harry Kane's campaign to win the golden boot with only penalties and headers. Marcus Rashford will come off the bench and double the lead before Sweden grab a late goal and we all shit ourselves and Danny Murphy says something even more negative than usual.
God help Carbrook Ikea if we lose.
11th July 2018 – England 1 (5)-(4) 1 Croatia
England will play Croatia in the semi finals because we are shit at playing Croatia and that means we will obviously end up playing Croatia.
Croatia will take an early lead after a goalkeeping error from brave English boy Jordan Pickford, or Thomas Turgoose from This Is England as he is professionally known, before Sir Harry Kane equalises. The game will go to penalties and Pickford will redeem himself saving the fifth Croatian penalty, before Jamie Vardy slots it home to send in England into the final.
Walkabout continues to go viral and make a shitload of money despite the fact that it's Sheffield Walkabout and no one knows why it's still open or who goes there. The smell on West Street gets increasingly worse as Players continues to do business despite the same reasons as Walkabout.
15th July 2018 – England 1-0 France
England vs France in the final, Brexit played out in front of our very eyes, Nigel Farage has been banished to the back room by his wife with some murky beer, the nation waits to see how brave our brave English boys really are.
Of course, it's Lord Harry Kane to score the winning goal (from the penalty spot), sending the nation into a frenzy of slightly-more-expensive-than-usual-lager-but-I-guess-it's-because-of-the-world-cup and revelries. Nigel Farage makes a Brexit analogy about this being a new era for the UK, The Sun will still refuse to acknowledge that Raheem Sterling is a nice guy, Theresa May will make a speech and no one will listen or give a shit because football is coming home.
Sheffield is still swimming in World Cup fever. West Street Live has changed its playlist from just R Kelly, James Brown, and 'Drop It Like It's Hot' to 'Vindaloo', 'Three Lions', and 'World in Motion'.
Corp has swapped Skool Disco to Russia 2018 Disco, in which you must wear England sportswear to gain entry, and anyone who does not follow the dress code will be looked down upon for not being fun and not being proud of our brave English boys.
All the students have returned to Sheffield for summer and World Cup fever has no intentions of slowing down. Roar has been renamed Roar-dan Pickford, in honour of Jordan Pickford, believe it or not. Code no longer lets our childhood heroes or Z-list reality stars with BoohooMan codes to plug do any meet and greets – instead Gareth Southgate tours the country, waistcoat impeccably fitted, stopping off at Code.
HallamNation is still going, though, as if HallamNation can survive this long despite being so shit then HallamNation can survive anything.
It's Halloween and everyone is in Corp dressed as the scariest thing of all – John Stones going up for a header from a corner.
Exam and essay pressure rises, everyone's getting that little bit more stressed, it's like walking from the halfway line to take a penalty against David Ospina. You know that bit on Queer Eye when the person getting a makeover gets in a car with Karamo and has a heart to heart? Well the University of Sheffield has employed Nick Pope to drive students around and destress them because I imagine Nick Pope is the most interesting person in the world.
Christmas comes around and everyone, like football, is coming home. Sheffield gets colder but the warmth of World Cup spirit still lingers.
Gone is your Grandma's yearly gift of Lynx Africa sets, in is the England Annual 2019. The turkey tastes sweeter because Turkey didn't qualify for the World Cup. Christmas dinner is had and everyone sits down to watch the Queen's Speech – but wait – it has been replaced by a speech by our new monarch – King Harry Kane I.