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If England players were Sheffield nights out, what would they be?

Football’s coming home, in an Uber at 4am

Ah, the World Cup – the only time it is acceptable to have an elevated sense of national pride and it not be because you're a racist. BREXIT MEANS BREXIT. Yet following England into a major tournament is not as enjoyable as you'd imagine.

Like waking up after a night out and finding that you've – and I have done this – texted your parents telling them you're "sorry for not being a very good son", supporting England sees you explore emotions ranging from frustration, mild embarrassment, and anger, to deep, throbbing shame. Shame that hurts.

So, combining these two utterly embarrassing life choices, we've decided to analyse which shame-filled Sheffield night out each member of the England squad would be. Based on science, of course.

Jordan Pickford, Kieran Trippier, Jesse Lingard – Area

New additions to the squad and thrown straight in at the deep end, Pickford, Trippier and Lingard all started England's open match against Tunisia. We'll see whether they'll prove to be good enough over the course of the competition.

Because of this, they are much like Area. Area, thrown in with the big boys of Leadmill, Corp, Plug, and Code, was branded a superclub upon opening. Yet, unlike the new kids on the block for England, we know that Area, after much time to deliberate, is shit.

So maybe Pickford, Trippier, and Lingard are nothing like Area, then.

Kyle Walker – The pub with your mates

Sheffield born and bred, Kyle Walker just has that air of 'local lad' about him, doesn't he? That guy from your school who didn't go to uni, he posts pictures of his freshly washed Corsa on Instagram, he still lives at home with his Mum. The simple life. The good life.

Kyle Walker is that chilled out night at the pub with your mates, one of those nights where one person, there's always one, who's desperate to go out, but the collective mindset is pub then home. Pub then home to argue about bins.

John Stones – Revolution

Initially the most overpriced of the bunch, you aren't complaining that he's in the squad, are you? Just like you wouldn't complain about being in Revs.

Eric Dier, Jordan Henderson, Harry Kane – West Street Live

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Often overlooked, often ridiculed, but always reliable, both WSL and England's Kane, Dier, and Henderson all bring something to the table, even if it is another knock off Jagerbomb.

Raheem Sterling – Walkabout

While they tend to get a lot of flack from the press, both of these are entirely inoffensive, if nothing to write home about.

Jack Butland – Peaking at pre-drinks and staying in

Butland was the up and coming goalkeeper for a number of years, putting a lot of pressure on Joe Hart, who was under enough pressure with that dandruff problem (but not anymore thanks to the magic of Head and Shoulders).

Yet now Butland has peaked, just like you have peaked at pre-drinks. Pickford has come along and now he's not getting out there, just like you are not getting out there. That is because you peaked at pre-drinks, you lightweight. Get back on the bench.

Danny Welbeck – Boardwalk

Had a bright past, but no one would take you up on the offer if you suggested going due to its absence and poor record in recent years (unless you're Gareth Southgate).

Jamie Vardy – Tuesday Club

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Both Sheffield institutions, both home to a fair few regrets. VKs in hand, Jamie Vardy is cutting shapes in Tuesday Club and you can't argue with us because just look at the man.

Gary Cahill – Wetherspoons

Although he's one of the oldest in the squad, you can always rely on this old faithful. He might not play the most attractive football, but £7 million for one of the best English centre-backs this decade is as good of a deal as two Kopparbergs for a fiver.

Phil Jones – Tank

With his in-match facial expressions often replicating those seen on a Sunken Monday, Phil Jones would fit right in at Tank.

Harry Maguire, Ashley Young – Leadmill

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Harry Maguire, with his head far too big for his body. Harry Maguire looks like he dresses in the classic T-shirt/open shirt combo and exclusively listens to landfill indie music made between 2002 and 2007. Ashley Young, on the other hand, may find his position in the team questioned, much like Leadmill will find its place as a night out questioned, but they always deliver, don't they?

I'd also like to take the time to remind everyone that a bird shat in Ashley Young's mouth. A bird shat in his mouth. Never forget.

Danny Rose – Plug

Although playing in the same position as Ashley Young, he doesn't really get a look in when compared to him. You might give Plug the odd run out every now and then, but in all honesty, it's not as good as Leadmill though is it?

Marcus Rashford, Dele Alli – Corp

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They've worked hard to get here and are just treading the water of first year. They're likely to perform well under pressure, whether it's a tough last game of the groups against Belgium or the Rainbow Challenge. There's a lot of potential in them and they are always happy to be in front of the camera, although Dele will always get to that Corp level of drunk where he'll start texting his ex and sending photos of himself having a good time, which he'll very much regret the next morning.

Ruben Loftus-Cheek, Trent Alexander-Arnold – Roar

With absolutely the most Tory names you'll ever hear, RLC and TAA can be found at Roar on the rugby social, doing questionable things for. the. bants. "It's jokes, it's jokes mate".

Fabian Delph, Nick Pope – HallamNation

They're just happy to be around, aren't they?