Ten things you only know if you ever lived in Derby Hall

1. Everyone’s from down South

Granted, Derby usually isn’t quite as much of a private school playground as the likes of Cripps or Hugh Stewart, as with 300+ rooms, chances are you’ll find some diversity.

But of course, in true UoN style, the uni’s Southerner population still always manages to outnumber everyone else, seen clearly in the huge groups from Surrey who all suspiciously seem to know each other from home already, in one way or another.

As a result, it’s all too common, if not to be expected, to see the standard North Face, signet ring, vape and privately educated stereotype all but thriving here.

2.   You have to learn to love your potatoes boiled

Not that anyone should be expecting any Michelin-star quality from catering in the first place, but it gets to a point where it almost starts to feel like some kind of punishment. At the very least, it must be some sort of test to see how long you can tolerate the repetition before you’re inevitably forced to go and order a takeaway instead. Whatever happens to be on the menu that night, everyone queuing up in a long line, plastic tray in hand, will give you daily flashbacks to your primary school days.

3. Laundry brings out the worst in everyone

When it comes to laundry it’s hard to decide which you hate most: that tiny, claustrophobic laundry room  – brace yourself if you’re standing at one of the machines right by the door and someone’s about to come in – the offensive price it, or the lint trays that people rarely remember to clean out.

Arguably, even worse is returning to find your damp clothes that someone’s kindly left to rot on the dirty floor when you’re just 30 seconds late to collect them once the cycle’s finished. Annoying, but inevitable.

4. The kitchen that’s just not a kitchen

Realistically, there’s only a toaster, a microwave – both at unnecessarily high risk of setting off the fire alarm and making everyone hate you – and a sad, stained ironing board that I’m convinced no one has ever used.

The pantry will be your only way to try and make something edible for those days or weeks where even an overpriced Co-Op lasagna ready meal seems better than the same old catered dinner. So maybe it deserves a few points, at least.

5. Everyone loves Dave

It feels like Dave the porter must be as old as Derby itself, as it’s near impossible to imagine living, or to have ever lived, in Derby without being familiar with the man, the myth, the legend himself.

Whether you’ve experienced his scary side, have had the rare privilege of making him laugh, or are just lucky enough to see him around every now and then, he is, without a doubt, the main character and the very backbone of Derby Hall.

6. The fire alarm means there is never any peace

Completely understandably, the fire alarm is often known to be set off just because someone accidentally burned their toast in the pantry.

Everyone especially loves when it goes off in the middle of the night, as it means you get to gather outside for a fun impromptu block meeting in the freezing cold. It’s even better when you’re all in your pyjamas, half-asleep and just generally looking quite unpresentable while being forced to stand and listen to the deafening noise of the fire alarm go on for far too long.

It’s a sound so bad that it will be stuck in your brain for years after you’ve moved out; you can’t unhear it no matter how hard you try.

7. What happens in the JCR stays in the JCR

On the surface, the Derby JCR doesn’t look like it has anything more to offer than just a few random sofas, a pool table and a Wii with only one Mario Kart game and a single, barely working remote. It’s nothing too special, but it’s definitely got its secrets – like whatever goes on at pres.

8. The blocks that aren’t gone but always forgotten

It might make more sense to put these in an article on ten things you won’t know, whether you lived in Derby Hall or not, but it’s important to mention these few neglected blocks.

Arguably underrated, but most definitely forgotten, blocks D and E, being separated from the rest by the huge brick archway at the end of the path, have a certain sense of solitude about them. Yes, you’re safe from most of the noise made in the courtyard or in the other blocks, but you’re also just close enough to see over the archway, to look sadly over all of the fun going on in the rest of Derby. This means that inevitably being asked “You’re in D block? Where even is that?” by everyone else just hurts that little bit more.

We’ll also show some sympathy for L block, which is stuck behind the laundry room overlooking the bins. 1/10 for the view there.

9. The unnecessarily problematic car parks

This might be a unique experience but I’d like to believe I’m not the only one who was forced to argue, time and again, with a Deliveroo driver over which of the two car parks he was meant to come to –  “the small one up near Lincoln” or “the one with the bins down by Sherwood”.

Obviously, this usually ended in admitting defeat and having to do a walk of shame of going all the way down the courtyard in a dressing gown and now muddy slippers to try and get the food – which, by that point, didn’t even seem worth it anymore – from the other car park, all while in plain sight of the hundreds of people whose windows faced inwards. Embarrassing.

10. Brunch is the highlight of the week

Despite the general consensus on catered food, it would be rude not to give an honorary mention to the weekend brunch, which definitely wins against Derby dinners – no question. The canteen tends to lower your standards for food in general over the year but brunch always stays unbeatable.

I’m not sure what they’re lacing those hash browns with, all I know is they’re the only things that help you recover from a rough Friday night, and will most likely be the one aspect of halls you miss the most once you’ve left.

Related articles recommended by this author:

• Ten things you only know if you ever lived in Hugh Stewart Hall

• Ten things you only know if you ever lived in Cripps Hall

• Eight things you only know if you ever lived in Cavendish Hall