Tried and tested: A definitive ranking of the best toilets on Notts’ campus

You couldn’t pay me to use the Coates toilets

2 years ago

Toilets. You may think that a ranking is not needed, but I assure you it is. Whether you’re looking for a space of privacy to carry out your business, or looking for the best lighting to take a selfie just to prove that you actually attended uni that week. Whatever it is, we’ve got you covered.

Campus toilets are at best mediocre. With few facilities coming out on top, this guide now gives you the need-to-know knowledge, with the best locations for having a meltdown or taking that required mirror selfie. Hopefully, this will influence you in your toilet choices and your university journey, to maybe try some toilets you wouldn’t usually go to.

Here’s the rankings of the toilets on campus: from the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Trent Building — 10/10

Trent’s building along with its toilets display an air of fabulousness. Described as the cleanest toilets on campus with their sleek aesthetics, these are easily the best toilets on campus. English students, you have got it good. With multiple cubicles in the girls, and near floor length doors, privacy is suited. If a bathroom could give you a feeling of adulthood then this is it.

Let’s set the scene. Imagine it’s lunch break at your corporate office job, you make your way to the loo to have a moment of privacy. Once done, you wash your hands in the basin fit for gods, with the sleek censored tap design, and go back to your desk. For that short three to five minutes, or longer, I don’t know your dietary needs, a feeling of calm tranquillity sets over you. Giving you the much-needed new perspective for the rest of your day.

Let’s not forget the beautiful window features, giving you that natural light, waking you up for the day. Trent toilets scream positivity, a place I highly recommend for those moments where the world comes crashing down and all you need is a breakdown.

If a toilet could be paradise, this would be it.

Portland Building — 8/10

The Portland toilets are a personal favourite of mine. Gender inclusive, individual cubicles, which allow privacy away from others. The white lighting suffices a good instagramable mirror moment, for those who want to prove they’re a uni student, despite their attendance record- even if it was just to get a Starbucks.

Portland provides a fully immersive experience. Once that door shuts, and the thick walls close in, privacy is your best friend. I mean look at the sheer amount of space in the toilet. Ever want to play a funny pres game before Crisis – see how many people you fit in one of those cubicles, I dare you.

However, a word of warning. It’s very easy to get engrossed in your phone and finish that last episode of BBC’s This Is Going to Hurt, and cry your eyes out. For all intents and purposes, if you saw me come out of these toilets with puffy eyes, no you didn’t.

The perfect social media moment bought to you by Portland Loo’s.

George Green Library — 7/10

As demonstrated by our beautiful model, aka me! The George Green toilets can be quite spacious inside the cubicles. However, what it has in space it lacks in other departments. Firstly, you can hear everything in these toilets, there is no privacy whatsoever. If you come out of that toilet and leave a bomb behind, you expect embarrassment.

With a constant flow of people, you’re going to encounter someone you know, and the toilet is the last place you want to do that. The fact is there’s no privacy and no natural lighting. Combined with the awful grey aesthetic, this toilet is the place of nightmares.

These poor science students are already cracking under their massive workload, why try and break them even more with toilets that look like they’re home to Freddy Krueger. If anything, if you use these toilets, you’re in and out in a flash. No one wants to be in these for too long.

Hallward Library — 5/10

If you’ve gone to Hallward library in a stress-induced panic to do some silent study with no distractions, I beg go you to not go in these toilets. The shocking aesthetic, the grim blue tone of the cubicle walls, the small, confined space, the lighting – the list could go on.

No one has ever had an enjoyable experience here, it’s simply not possible. With no room to put your bag, or to even unzip that hefty puffer coat, every area of this toilet is depressing. The only positive to this toilet is that it’s never really busy. If you go at the right time of day, usually around 4pm onwards, it will be a ghost town. So, if you do need a cheeky stress cry because that law essay is getting a bit much, this is the perfect place for you.

Coates Audititorium — 3/10

Three words: toilets from hell. These toilets honestly make me depressed. At 9am, if you’re not awake properly and you walk into these toilets, it will send you right back to bed. The lighting is that off white warm colour, I can just imagine the lights flickering and bloody Mary appearing out of nowhere. That, combined with the primary school aesthetic of mismatched colours causes these toilets to fall to the bottom of this list.

Oh, and privacy? We don’t know her. Having a panic attack, a cry, or just trying to do your business in peace, someone is bound to hear you. The cubicles don’t reach the floor or the ceiling, as demonstrated in the image. With the auditorium foyer always being full of students, navigating your way to these toilets is basically mission impossible. Totally not worth it. It’s a no from me.

Warning! Do not go into this toilet with a backpack on, you will get squished.

Jubilee Campus — -1000/10

Jubilee campus is unrankable, I didn’t even want to mention the atrocities that it has committed. Whilst being home to a plethora of interesting architectural structures, I cannot vouch for their toilets. Described as shocking, with one student even stating that she waits until she can go back home.

These toilets are reminiscent of school toilets, with small cubicles, ugly lighting, and little to no privacy. This is not the vibe needed. I’m sorry business students, no one wants to remember secondary school, no one.