I don’t get the hype over bums, boobs are the real deal

There’s a reason they’re called funbags


Back in the glory days of the early noughties, boobs were ogled and worshipped like the sacred mountains they are, rightly dominating the pages of celeb magazines and shop window displays.

They used to get a good press. From giving the comfiest hugs, to bouncing around more than a space hopper, searching for the perfect jugs used to be what everyone was worried about.

But then, a great and catastrophic change in tastes occurred. Someone decided that a bottom is more attractive. Now, we’ve reached a point where looking like you have a pillow attached to your behind is the look we’re all after.The reign of the boobs is over.

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Clearly superior to a perky posterior

In a recent Voxpop where the question “Boobs or Bum?” was asked, 100% of people asked chose what you sit on the toilet with rather than a lovely pair of melons, showing that this worrying trend has put down deep roots in the British psyche. One guy said about bums: “They’re just nice aren’t they”. What kind of adjective is “nice”? My grandma is “nice”. Boobs are never just “nice”, they’re always “a fucking great pair of knockers” or “smashing tits”. Boobs inspire passion and colourful language, bums are just mundane.

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All these people preferred bums, are they mad?

It feels like a lifetime ago since the pre bum take over, but before the hype, big bums were disliked, and for good reason. Big bums aren’t sexy, they’re fatty and gross. Do you remember when men would dread the question “Does my bum look big in this?”. Back when things were more sensible, if the man replied saying “yes”, they would be dumped straightaway. Yet nowadays thanks to this bizarre trend, girls crave the biggest bum possible, doing endless squat challenges to get the perfectly large and toned tush. The craze has more followers than Kim K’s instagram page and it’s not only ridiculous, but it just looks stupid.

Admittedly, bums can look appealing all snug in leggings or the right pair of short shorts but boobs look good in and out of a bra. Although it might be fun to give someone a cheeky slap on the ass, the thrill of playing with boobies is far more fun, in and out of the bedroom.

Some bum defenders may claim that having big boobs is just an excuse for being fat – but so is having a fat arse, and it’s far more likely that you’re overweight and undeserving if you have a big bum rather than a nice pert rack.

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It’s a clear choice

Boobs, apart from being way sexier are also far more useful. Firstly, think about all the times you’ve crashed out at someone’s after a night out and all the cushions are taken. What you really need is a nice pair of pleasure pillows to rest your weary head on. When you’re lying down, they provide a handy rest for a drink or snack, hardly a feature that comes with your average round rear. If you’re feeling like sharing the love, they’re also an erogenous zone all by themselves and even can give you a nipplegasm – can your booty do that? Didn’t think so.

Boobs have been a sex symbol for generations, what would the famous Marilyn Monroe pic be without her phenomenal cleavage? Where would we be if Kate Winslet had never asked to be drawn like a french girl? It doesn’t bare thinking about.

Our nipples and nunga nungas are under constant attack. From Facebook and Instagram issuing unfair blanket bans on our most feminine assets, to wave after wave of celebrities obsessing over their derrières, it has never been a worse time for boobs. So lets turn the tide, and be proud of our sweater-stretchers, because I’d rather have a decent pair of funbags then a big flabby bum any day.