How to be a dick at a house party

Everyone hates the dick at the house party. But being the dick can be so much fun


We all know that opening your doors for a house party means you should expect all types of people.

However, one who is always in attendance is the massive cock-brain who pisses most people off at some point. While we all think they’re twats, have you ever thought that it might be quite a lot of fun being the dick?

But it’s not just as simple as get drunk and hope for the best – being a dick at house parties is a refined art that falls under many categories:

1. The Sober Judger

So you’re not drinking for the night? Fine, you don’t need alcohol to have the same amount of fun as everyone else.

Make up your own game of obviously judging people’s inebriated states so people become self-conscious and worried. It might not be fun for them but you’ll have a ball!

Peeps need to chiiilllll!

You remember this, they won’t.

Most likely to wear: Jeans, jumper and a judging glare

2. The Drunkest Person There

Alternatively, if you are drinking, become the most drunk out of everyone and spend the night running around being looked after by people.

Most of your best ideas will come out at this point so let everyone know how you’re going to jump the garden fence in one go or how you’re going to make one of those cool glass pyramids full of booze.

Top tip: To be even more annoying just let everyone know how drunk you are by constantly expressing it through SHOUTING AT THEM

It's always a good night when you're being held down on the floor

It’s always a good night when you’re being held down on the floor

Most likely to wear: Fewer and fewer clothes as the night goes on.

3. The One who goes Missing

When extremely drunk (or even when you’re just a bit tipsy) it is hilarious to play hide and seek. he aim of the game is to hide in the darkest place and snapchat everyone at the party with the caption ‘I’m in a dark place’. Then everyone (or just a few people, depending on how popular you are) will start the hunt for you.

You become the centre of attention and also ruin other people’s nights by being that dick who hid in the cupboard for no reason.

I'm Harry Potter ... Come find me!

I’m Harry Potter … Come find me!

Most likely to be seen: In a cupboard, a wardrobe or under a bed.

4. The Super-Indie DJ

Got some cray new tunes for everyone on your iTunes? No? Good! Take control of the playlist and turn it into an indie-fest by playing nothing but bands no one has ever heard of and proclaim loudly how you were ‘the first one to hear these guys’ and that you’re going to see them at Bodega when they tour.

Guys, I'm just gonna play Juno cos no one has ever heard these songs, k?!

Guys, I’m just gonna play Juno cos no one has ever heard these songs, OK?!

Most likely to wear: a Nike shell suit or super-indie skinny jeans with matching super-indie skinny shirt.

5. The Un-social Networker

Rather than being the life and soul of the party, you could always be that person sitting in the middle of a group of people (or even on their own in the corner) texting. People start to notice how socially void you get and silently get pissed off that you’d rather be somewhere else rather than at ‘the rager’ that is their party.

Wish I was with that partay

Wish I was with that partay

Most likely to be seen: On the sofa within a world of Facebook.

6. The Cockblock

There’s always one! If you can see your friend – as they say – ‘chirsping’, immediately go over, sit extremely close and just make yourself a part of their conversation.

For bonus dickhead points go for gold and start a battle for the fitty with your friend to see who can pull them first.

Spot the cockblocker ...

Spot the cockblocker …

Most likely to be seen: In a three then later outside having an argument with a friend.

7. The Gap-Year

This applies especially to first years who have had the chance to avoid uni for an extra year and take a gap year. If you are lucky enough to have taken one in the coolest place ever, reuse the stories you’ve already told everyone and work the room with your stories of adventure and freedom.

Always a good one to piss off your close friends who can hear the change in your accent when you talk about your ‘gap yaarr in Tansaneer.’

so yar, gap yar

“You haven’t lived until you’ve taken a selfie on a mountain”

Most likely to be wearing: Malawian head dress and accompanying grass skirt.

8. The Couple

After nearly a whole year of uni, new relationships will have bloomed. Use your other half as an accomplice to your dickish behaviour and  become the most lovey-dovey couple ever.

It’s always fun to annoy the sad, single people by being overly affectionate with each other and even more hilarious when people get uncomfortable when you use pet names or feed each other the unbranded crisps that are offered.

totes in love obvs

“We’re in love, see. Do you see?!”

Most likely to be wearing: Colour coordinated love jumpers