New university league table mugs Notts right off

In one of the most scandalous events of the summer term so far, The Complete University Guide has placed Nottingham below some bang-average universities like Kent, East Anglia and Leicester.

Although we have moved up one place from last year, these rankings have named us as only the 23rd best university in the UK.

The devastating news comes only four months after it was revealed that Nottingham students were supposedly the number one target for the country’s top graduate employers. According to this so-called guide, our grad prospects are actually only the 19th best.

Independent. Trusted. Meanies.

As well as that, we’re only the 70th best for student satisfaction. That’s considerably worse than educational titans such as Heriot-Watt University, Bishop Grosseteste University and some shack called Nottingham Trent.

It’s got so bad that we’ve only just scraped above Aston in the overall rankings. What’s Aston? Exactly.

You what mate

We’re not even the second best uni in the East Midlands, with those brainless jocks over at Loughborough taking time between wedgying nerds and scoring touchdowns to manage a big enough rating to muscle past us.

Whilst we may have had some problems, like rugby-lad-poos-in-sink-gate and being told which newspapers we aren’t allowed to read, surely we can do better than this?

After all, we’re the fine establishment which broke the UK student voting record (you’re welcome) and provided the nation with iconic celebrity alumni like former international table tennis legend Deng Yaping and the founder of JD Wetherspoon, Tim Martin.

The breeding ground of international superstars

Ex-Nottingham BNOC and Trent defector Jennie Gale said that she was glad she made the switch.

“Look,” she said. “You could tell it was going downhill. The teaching standards are slipping and everyone seems more concerned with being edgy than helping their uni out. It’s a shame, but I’m glad I jumped ship in time.”

Tom Jenkin, who genuinely describes himself as a media mogul, is another Trent student who previously studied at Nottingham. He said: “Everyone at Trent is so much better at consuming lash and dishing out bants, I’m hardly surprised they have higher student satisfaction than you boring dickheads.”