Rates

Boozey Holiday Programmes: Much in the same fashion as Jeremy Kyle, the idiots displayed on these shows make us feel much better about ourselves. Our summer holidays after the sixth-form years were much like the ones you see here, the only difference is that we can sit an judge from our student homes whilst still getting by on 40%. Still, it’s always great when some wannabe babe magnet finds himself in the toilet with a shemale. 

Photobombing: Everyone has been subject to this. While it can be annoying if the culprit continues to dive into your photo, the end product is always amazing and you may find yourself with a contender for Embarassing Nightclub Photos.

The Closing of Summer Party: Sad news but necessary as the SU had lost so much money on this, a grand total of £157,000 to be precise. Although then again, were we surprised? Tickets were sold for a fiver on the day, a huge drop from the original price. But really, was anyone actually paying to see N-Dubz, or fall asleep to Delilah, rather than just see their mates?

Slates

Squeaky Exam Tables: Nothing like getting the flow of your intellectual juices stemmed by a squeaky, or even worse, an unbalanced table in the exam room. I’ve even found myself asking for extra paper, folding it up, and propping up the fucking table, much to the amusement of onlookers. Still, it could be worse…

Rylan Clark At The Forum: You heard. ‘Guilty pleasure’ and general plague to humanity, the Essex bred X factor reject will be performing four of his hits at the Forum next Monday 4th February. So head down there if self respect isn’t your thing, or you miss the torture he brought to your ears on a Saturday night.

Nightclub Nudity: To the fresher in the stripey jumper from Ocean on Friday, WHY did you feel the need to get your knob out? The odd bit of nudity can be funny, but there’s a right place right time. Standing six foot from a crowded bar is not the place. One day I hope security see you, and snap that poor excuse of an organ off. Mong.