Aunty Em: Hankering for Hickeys

Welcome back readers. Aunty Em here to sort out more of your problems. Drama is never very far from Lenton so once again I’m here to save the day even if I am still a cripple. This week we have a reader who got a little bit too excited about the release of Twilight and sought solace from her mountain of deadlines in a rather peculiar way…

Dear Aunty Em,

I’ve an addiction to hickeys. There, I’ve said it. I just can’t get enough of them, I mean, I’m starting to run out of room on my neck. It’s a very distressing time for me. The essays can wait, I hit Hallward to show off these bitches.

Scarves, nah, who needs those, the love bites will be back either way. I’m addicted yes, but that’s not the problem, the problem is finding enough room. The creator of such art loves it, so that’s not an issue, but I do think I need some advice…

I look like a leper! Help me Aunty Em!!

Dear reader…if there’s any left of you,

The first stage to any addiction is admitting your problem and you’ve passed that stage, so congrats, gold star for you.

I do however have several concerns: did you simply not get enough of dot-to-dot when you were younger? Do you believe yourself to be part of Twilight? Does this guy have dinner very often? Maybe give him a light snack every now and again, just to keep him going. You might gain some more room that way.

I bet your parents are so proud too. The next time they come to visit, there’s no need to give them a tour of Nottingham, a tour of your neck would probably do. You can allocate each hickey to a different road in Lenton, you don’t even need to leave the house!

You might even be able to get creative with them, a bit of concealer and some even turn purple, so you could certainly get some variation going on.

You’re probably making so many new friends too, it’s always great when the girl sitting next to you in the seminar asks if that’s a love bite…well obviously! As for nights out, phwoarr, goes down a treat with the men, they know they’ve bumped into a classy gal.

I do feel very distressed for you as we mustn’t be in denial about this, they will fade. So get recording, maybe start a blog: ‘The life and times of a hickey’? Either way, maybe just go absolutely mental; if you run out of room on the neck, hit the chest, the arms, the legs, the back, you’d just be one massive walking hickey, it’d be bloody brilliant.

Your ultimate fantasy??

My final advice to you: fly reader, fly. Go out in search of those fangs and blood-vessel-bursting, slobbering men, you never know what other bite-loving creatures you may find, some of them even charge!

Got a problem you want Aunty Em to solve for you? E-mail [email protected].