Since we have a new Vice Chancellor, or Headmaster, The Tab presents a school’s guide to campus- because, let’s face it, none of us have grown up.

Assembly Hall = LCR

Saturday morning and how this picture will change in a few hours…

Every school needs a place where every pupil gathers to hear the important business of the day, where hymns are sung and a sense of what it means to be part of the school.

The LCR is the UEA equivalent; the place where everyone goes to meet friends, sing along to Blurred Lines and get a sense of what it means to be a UEA student- throwing up in the dingy Hive toilets whilst crying over the naff smoking area.

Cafeteria = Campus Kitchen

For those who miss the school cafeteria

Fresh, hot food, served cafeteria style, various levels of quality on offer. If you’re missing the comforts of school, the campus kitchen is the place to go. You can even buy chips, ON THEIR OWN, without your dinner ladies holding a Jamie Oliver style intervention.

Playground = The Lake

“Shall we go for a stroll?”

Instead of playing ‘it’ ‘tig’ ‘tag’ or whatever the colloquialism used in your school, now us university students go for strolls by the lake, read novels, sketch portraits in charcoal, and take selfies. It’s not as fun.

Classroom = Lecture Theatre

TPSC LT is so fancy and grown up

Agreed, seminar rooms are probably a better fit for a classroom, but in order to demonstrate some personal growth, lecture theatres have tables attached to chairs and a pleasing distance between you and the lecturer, so you can pass notes without EVER being caught.

Art Department = Sainsbury Centre

You arty adult you

Instead of a messy, bohemian vibe, where coffee and chocolate are allowed and where a new smoothie bar may or may not have been installed, UEA has clean-cut lines, Henry Moore sculptures and easily the classiest cafe on campus.

Head Teacher’s Office = Advisor Meeting

Waiting to see the headmaster

For those rebels who have missed one seminar too many, you may get called in for a special meeting with your academic advisor. This will mostly involve concern as to your well-being followed by assurance that you are fine and will be sure to be present and correct for everything in future. Or might involve you being expelled.

Swimming Pool = Sportspark

Newly refurbished too!

Forget the twenty year old one-speed treadmill that constituted as a ‘gym’. Forget the awkward showers that you used to try to avoid. And girls, forget telling your PE teacher you had cramps every week to get out of hockey. Your school may not have had an Olympic-sized swimming pool, but UEA does, as well as a top-notch fitness suite and squash courts and trampolines and a massive track and everything. Go UEA!

Library = Library

It’s big and concrete and badass

…and pretty!

Obviously…

Lab = Labs

*NOT A SCIENCE STUDENT*

Not being a science student I haven’t seen the labs myself apart from in the promotional photos in the prospectus, however I’m sure they are larger, fancier and more well-equipped than those at most schools. To be honest, I don’t care, as long as there’s bunsen burners.

Staff Room = Postgrad Bar/ Vista

Please let me in!

You hear tales of the coffee machine, the special chairs and the chocolate-covered biscuits. The sheer fact of its unattainability increases its attraction tenfold. The same can be said of the postgrad areas of campus, where the food is fancier, the sofas are real leather, and (shhh!) rumour has it they have freshly-squeezed orange juice. Who’s signing up for a masters?

“I heard about the fresh orange juice”