Four years with Anorexia and then Bulimia: My Experience

About the 'My Experience' series:http://www.ueadrop.co.uk/en/photos/breaking-news/2012-05-02/1171/the-my-experience-series.html 

 

 

ANONYMOUS

 

 

We are all craving for happiness and pleasure in life. There are several people who find pleasure in eating but what if you're unable to get this pleasure anymore?

My battle with eating disorders started almost 4 years ago when I was fifteen. I was always concerned about my weight and my figure. When I go back in time, I can recall myself counting down calories and thinking what types of food to avoid so that I wouldn’t put on weight. I was never fat but there was always this demon in my head shouting “be perfect, lose weight”.

It all started back in 2008 when I fall in love for first time, I couldn’t eat for several days, I felt so complete and full inside me that I couldn’t even get myself to eat, soon I started loving the feeling of my stomach being empty and before I even realised it I was in love with my anorexia/eating disorder instead of my boyfriend. 

 

However, that’s certainly not the reason why my eating habits changes so rapidly. What my experience has taught me is that all eating disorders may be very personal and have all sorts of different forms to everyone but they all have in common one thing, they focus on controlling yourself and the food intake. In my case, I’ve been getting the highest grades in my year since I started middle school and I was always trying so hard to become better and better. People around me even now keep telling me that I’m a perfectionist and I can’t argue about it, I do admit I am one and unfortunately when it comes to me I believe it’s my biggest disadvantage, as it’s been holding me back from several things and has contributed in developing my eating disorder.

So I thought I could be perfect. I was a great student, I’ve had the nicest person sharing his life with me, I had a couple of really close friends as well as a group of friends who I could hang out with who absolutely loved me, loving and caring parents who were never demanding and never had crazy expectations from me. I thought my life would be perfect if I managed to control my one and only weakness, food. It’s almost amusing when I think about it now, I believed I needed to control my appetite to become a better person, or maybe the person I always wanted to be. But little did I know.

Four years later and 2,000 miles from where it all begun, I still feel like I’m constantly fighting against with my eating disorder.

 

In the beginning I cut down my food intake to 200 calories per day and within a month I barely had any food throughout the whole day. I couldn’t feel hunger anymore. I was surviving with chewing gum, tea, coffee and dried prunes (that I would only eat if I was about to collapse). I was becoming paranoid I weighted myself 3 times a day, when I woke up, after school and before I go to bed. I also kept a log of everything I consumed, even the number of chewing gum pieces I'd have n a day. In less than 2 months I had lost 15 kilos (2.4 stone) and weighted 50 kilos (7.8 stone) with my body with a BMI barely above 17.

I thought I was in heaven but that soon changed. Soon I become so obsessed that I wasn’t at all happy with my figure even though I have reached my desired weight. I used to run back home before my parents and leave a dirty food plate on the table usually with some leftovers in it too and another one in the sink as if I’ve had lunch so no one would force me to eat. I tried to deceive them. Now when I think about it I feel like laughing at myself. Apparently they were all aware what was going on with me and they were trying to help me even though I would under no condition let them do so. I can still hear my sister shouting at me “do you think it’s pleasant for me to witness your slow death?” and my dad begging me to help him help me. But I would deny any kind of help from anyone, anorexia was my new best friend, my only support and no one could change this and take this friend away from me.

Soon I saw my life falling apart. I was becoming seriously depressed; I was anxious all the time, bursting into tears out of nowhere. That’s when I realised I wanted to be normal again but there was my best “friend”, anorexia who was actually a demon in my head preventing me from living my life. I had convinced myself by then that I don’t need food and that in fact I hate food. I remember that morning before a final exam when my mum had prepared breakfast for me and as soon as I walked into the kitchen I burst into tears just in the sight of the food sitting on the table. Food had become the enemy. I thought I would never be normal again but still claimed that anorexia was the best thing that has ever happened to me, what’s worse is that still sometimes feel like indulging my old habits.

 

I gave up trying to resist food a year ago hoping that when I come to university things will be better. When I first came to university I thought it would be great, the best opportunity for me to control what to eat and what I should avoid. It seems though that I haven’t taken stress from assessments and deadlines into account. All this pressure was causing me to quit eating for a week or two and then eat normally for another two weeks. I was practically trying to fill the emptiness I was feeling inside me with food.

Everybody thought I had completely recovered from my eating disorders; I was back to a normal weight but no one knew how I felt. For me not eating and being able to resist the temptation of food was my catharsis. Having to deal with university life and all of the pressure I was feeling I kind of lead myself to a whole new, different eating habit: Bulimia. I would now eat food and then make myself sick after every meal. I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed the feeling of emptying my stomach. I somehow enjoyed the moment when I could feel the tears running down my face and my throat burning. The demon was back once again.

 

I always thought that eating disorders are like a virus resistant to any medicine available because it lives inside you, you carry it everywhere you go. 

 

I thought I'd never really recover. But deep inside me I didn't want to believe it. I called my sister hoping to find some help and understanding but I could not explain how I was feeling. All I could tell her was that there's a voice in my head. The demon had already taken full control of my mind and body. Eventually I realised how dangerous that could be, I always knew the risk I was putting myself in with my eating habits, but I couldn’t stop, every day I promised myself that it would be the last day I was putting myself through this. But this day wouldn’t come till March.

 

 

For reasons I still can’t explain this March all out of the blue my whole perspective towards life changed. I realised that everything we do in life is not about being perfect but it’s about being happy. For once I told to myself I was happy with what I had even though I couldn’t even admit to myself in the past. I have achieved almost everything I ever wanted. Why something as minor as a couple of kilos hold me back from living my life. Real beauty comes from inside.

 

It’s in human nature to always crave more and desire happiness but unfortunately my biggest distress in life comes from the pursuit of happiness. After all we should be happy with what we have. Why should we look for our happiness somewhere else when it might be right in front of us? Why should I hate my body when I can instead love it?

 

I could finally see beauty in everything. I loved every inch of my body. I started accepting my image. I started making fun of it saying to my friends that every gram of fat equals a kilo of love. I felt free of insecurities and so close to myself, probably closer than ever before. I had absolute control over my head, my spirit and my soul was free of the demon for the very first after 4 years. It might all sound great and ideal but that’s definitely not the case. I still count calories, I’m still concern about some things relevant to food but we can’t expect things to change from one day to another, I try to enjoy food and not feel guilty after a meal.

 

What is really bothering me though is that people judge and criticise you based on what they see. People forget that we all have a story to share and that all of our decisions are based on what we have been though in our life time. They assume what things are the way the see them to be. Dogs can only see in greyscale but that doesn’t mean that the world is just black and white. Minds and parachutes work better when they are open, so it’s about time people stop judging and jumping into conclusions without even considering how it feels to be in somebody else’s position.

 

Going through an eating disorder myself has taught me so much about respecting and accepting people around me the way they are. An eating disorder is like shouting in silence, and we should all bear this in mind and be more sensitive next time we are about to judge someone else.

 

 

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EDITOR'S NOTE: 

It's the guy who commissioned this series here and I would not normally do this but, as someone who once had anorexia myself, this is an issue close to my heart and I just want to emphasis that anorexia (and bulimia) are mental illnesses. 

 

I slipped into anorexia and, in hindsight, I realise it then had a mental grip on me which took me 10 months to shake off. Anorexia made my mind work in ways which baffle me even now, almost a decade later. I was slowly killing myself out of choice, what I was doing defied logic and reason entirely and yet anorexia made my mind work in a way which meant it took me ages to see sense. 

Breaking the mental lock it has on you can take months, years, or even decades; and sadly some people never manage to manage it. I remember trying to describe what it was like to a friend once and I said, when anorexia truly had a hold over me, it was like being trapped in a box where the key is on the outside. It really is incredibly difficult. 

So, if there is someone close to you who is suffering from an eating disorder, then I hope perhaps this article has helped you to learn more about eating disorders. I also hope it has made you realise that saying things like 'just eat a bit more everyday' etc as if it is merely a physical thing is not very helpful. I know that might harsh of me to say that, but telling someone with an eating disorder to eat (more) really won't do the trick. 

Being anorexic genuinely was a living hell for me so I wish people suffering from an eating disorder all the best breaking free from it; I truly hope this article has helped you in some way or another. And, to those with a loved one suffering from an eating disorder, I truly do feel sorry for you also because it must be so hard to see someone you care about so much slowly kill themselves like that. I can only hope this article has somehow helped you also. 

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