How to… Survive a Night at the LCR

Picture the scene: it’s a Saturday evening, about 5pm. As you groggily stir from surreal, vodka-induced dreams involving the least attractive of your seminar leaders and your first childhood pet, you wonder, where exactly did daylight go?

Friday night at Project has left you dazed and still slightly hungover and yet, the temptation to do it all again is still very much present.

Enter stage left: that friend who always pipes up with: “We may as well go to the LCR, there’s fuck all else to do”. Yes, you know the one I mean, the one who can down a pint of sprits as pre-drink, never gets hangovers and has a seemingly endless supply of luridly coloured polo shirts.

If you find yourself in this situation and are powerless to resist the ‘A-list’ I can only wish you luck. And give you the following advice:

Pre-drink… lots.

This may seem obvious, but it is an absolute must for a tolerable, even occasionally enjoyable, night at the LCR. Primarily, this age old tactic is a money-saver as drinks aren’t always brilliantly cheap- depending on what you go for. Secondly, some cheeky pre-lash Lambrini may numb you to the reality that, in the immortal words of Coldplay’s Chris Martin, the venue is, in fact, just “a shitty blue box”. (Disclaimer: The Drop reminds you to drink responsibly!)

Bring a hench male friend… with a strong bladder.

This is a tip for the ladies. Most people don’t mind the odd person approaching them on the dancefloor. But when, as with Saturdays at the LCR, the whole experience turns into a strangely aggressive cattle market- you may wish for back-up. The job of this friend is to ward off unwanted suitors with a filthy look or stern word, appear generally menacing or, if necessary, pretend to be your significant other. It is desirable that this person never has need to use the toilet, go outside to smoke or undertake any other activity which may cause them to leave your side!

Don’t get there too early.

It is a logical truth that the easiest way to tolerate something is to be exposed to it for as little time as possible. This is definitely true of the LCR. Also, if you arrive any time before about half eleven or twelve, the only people likely to be on the dancefloor are laddish show-offs or the odd group of girls whose combination of heel height and vodka consumption has already made it necessary for them to clutch each other for support.

And finally…

I find it is generally an idea to leave your light on before leaving for the LCR. Therefore, on your rather-less-than-sober return, there is no need to trip on that pair of shoes you tried on and thought better of wearing before going out. As for the problem of getting your keys in the lock- I wish I could help you.

Also, never wear your favourite shoes, I can’t remember a single occasion on which I didn’t return with a suspect stain or ridiculously sticky sole- just don’t risk it.

Hungover or not, I am confident that, when adhering to these guidelines, even the most hardened of LCR cynics will be incoherently shouting to One Direction by the end of the night.