What I would buy each Newcastle student based on their degree

With Christmas just around the corner, your search history has probably been more festive than ever before. From the classic secret Santa gift to the viral “BALDI mug” for dad, the struggle to find unique Xmas gifts is very real. For those fortunate enough to receive their own gifts this year, however, you may wish to reconsider your Christmas list. To help you out, I’ve rounded up some of the best pressies to ask for based on your Newcastle degree. What’s more, they’re budget-friendly so you don’t need to worry about breaking the bank account too much:

Agriculture – a new haircut

Apologies to the Agrics out there, however, you simply don’t help yourself. The outgrown mullet will never take away from the fact that you still look like a (John) deer in headlights. Other presents to buy an Agric include: A Blinkers season ticket, another schoffel, some lessons in parallel parking and a vintage signet ring you found online yet claim to be a “family heirloom”.

Urban planning – a parking fine from Newcastle City Council

Just giving you a taste of your own medicine before you join this hierarchy of bollard-makers.

Philosophy – a treble (or three)

A treb is going straight under the philosophy department’s Xmas tree this year. What more is there to ponder than a stunning treble deal in D&P? My thoughts exactly.

Sport Science – a red card

This one goes out to all the rugby boys on this course who apparently can’t keep quiet for more than two seconds straight. A permanent timeout seems appropriate seeing as though you already have the gift of the gab.

Politics – a tin of Heinz

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Because unlike Brexit, the nation is never divided over baked beans. And also because this present would actually be used for something interesting. Whether that be on someone’s doorstep or yeeted over a painting in the Hatton, Heinz is a British staple loved by all.

Architecture – a slinky

The perfect stocking filler for the future architects of the Toon. So long as you don’t demolish the Phil Rob, you deserve a slinky this Christmas. Come on, everybody loves a slinky!

Medicine – a KitKat

For everyone’s sake, take a goddamn break and devour a KitKat. I’m not concerned for you, I’m concerned for the wellbeing of your future patients. Also, 85p – what an absolute steal.

Engineering – a lifetime supply of PECs

I’m sorry, did someone say best Christmas ever? The only kind of peck an Engineering student needs right now.

Modern languages – a dummy

For those who studied a year abroad and now won’t shut up about it for the remainder of adult life – perhaps a dummy is in order this Christmas time.

Physics – Oppenheimer (on DVD)

Or a cardboard cutout of Cillian Murphy. What a lovely looking man.

Media – an ‘I am Kenough’ hoodie

As Media students *sigh*, we are often frowned upon and told our degree is pointless. But what if I told you that could all change? By purchasing a Ken-themed hoodie this winter, you can simply snuggle up and cry the pain away. It’s pure magic.

Psychology – North Face Puffer

When asked what to buy a Psychology student for Xmas, I was met with the response: “North Face Puffer, because they’re basic”. Ouch.

Maths – a pat on the back

Fair play to all those brave enough to endure three years of a maths degree at Newcastle. Or is it four? Not too sure, numbers were never my strong suit.

Jokes aside, I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and some much-needed rest from the Soho pole. Take a break, get off Tinder and see you on campus in 2024…x

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