Review: New Zealand Wines

Famous for their 2for£5 wine offers, chipper staff and free cash machine. White Ace to white chocolate buttons, they’ve got it all.

But what can be said about their wine selection? Are they just from New Zealand? Are the ones with the fluorescent stars on better?

Let’s find out.Tonight’s candidates are a delightful Sauvingion Blanc, a wonderfully fruity Pinot Grigio, a conspicuously named Blush, and a strong Shiraz.

Hallowed ground for all Fallowfield residents

Now of course as anyone serious about their wine will know, one’s attire is just as important when assessing the finest of wines.

I always have been more of a white wine kind of guy.

Italian Sauvingion Blanc, 2014, 12%

The ribbed pink wine glass is the only one we have in the house.

Now let’s start with our young Italian Sauvingion Blanc.

This is a very crisp dry wine. I would describe it’s flavour as similar to being punched in the throat with distinct notes of vinegar and battery acid.

A suggested pairing would be bakewell-bombs in one of our cities finest establishments (namely 5th Ave) followed by passing out in the shower after being sick in a taxi.

Mike my toga wearing assistant sommelier was taking the job very seriously.

Pinot Grigio, 2014, 11%

Next we move onto a light Pinot Grigio ripe from the vineyards of South West Italy.

This is a far sharper wine that you will certainly notice. It tastes of inadequacy and mediocre performance with a hint of white spirit and a lack of self respect.

This wine would go perfectly with a night with the rugby boys and some bullshit story that nobody is ever going to believe.

3rd time’s a charm, by this point we were pretty drunk and ordered Chinese .

Blush, 2014, 12%

I felt this way the most appropriate way of drinking this one.

Our third bottle of the evening is this conspicuously named “Blush”, with its questionable lack of description we were a little hesitant going into this one.

There is little to say about flavour here other than it was a bit like a supersoaker full of cat-piss. There were latent notes of prawn crackers with an overriding taste of self-loathing.

As far as a pairing goes I just wouldn’t bother.

Shiraz, 2014, 13%

Naturally I decanted the red, I’m not some kind of filthy casual.

Finally we moved onto our Shiraz, my personal favourite. It was certainly a strong and powerful red. The way the wine rolls over the palette and the taste that reminds me of the disappointment and contempt your parts really feel towards you.

There are definite notes of vomit and I would suggest you pair this with an embarrassing one night stand with someone who’s name you won’t remember.

The night ended in much the same way as the many who come before us, and the many that will follow. Yes, a tactical chunder was required.