Every type of girl you will meet on the London dating scene

Is she your future wife or just one of the lads? Meet the London girls who will shape your city dating life

The London dating scene, we have already discussed the disappointing lack of cultured city boys, but now for the tragic state of the girls.

Whilst we idealise London girls to be a cross between Lady Di in the Crown and Toff, for the most part, they could not be further from this stereotype.

There are some strong opinions, chronic oversharers and painful conversations all on the horizons of the London dating scene. So, here are the girls you will encounter if you venture into the London dating scene:

“I’m a really casual person”

If she says this she’s eyeing you up as the father of her children and expects that you’ll be married in the next two years. Whilst she doesn’t actually love you, she’s desperate to make her ex jealous and what better way than with a family and children?

If you go on a date with this gal she’ll make you outline your entire family lineage in the first 10 minutes and if you’re paying for drinks she’ll order something unjustifiably expensive. Unless you’re looking for your future wife avoid this girl like the plague.

“Can you just get a photo of me and my mate?”

She’ll twirl her hair and flutter her eyelashes and in a matter of moments, this gal will have you wrapped around her little finger. With only one intention in mind, using you as her free personal photographer. Dating this girl means you’ll walk behind her, camera at the ready for every Instagrammable date you’ll go on.

She doesn’t actually like you but she likes the fact you’ll take her to Blame Gloria and take 1,000 snaps of her in there.

“I only drink Champagne. Everything else gives me a headache”

Come off it Cordelia (exchange with any other posh girl name) we all know that any alcoholic drink gives you a headache. These girls will turn up to pres armed with a bottle of Tattinger and some Sobranis their “older” boyfriend brought them back from Paris. For all, she likes to think she’s posh she’s actually just stuck up with the stamina of an 85-year-old.

She’ll have 2 glasses of her champagne, then she’ll get absolutely smashed and proceed to flirt with you until midnight and then make her excuses and say that she needs to go home to see her boyfriend. What you don’t know is that she’s so drunk she’s puked up in the back of an uber and will likely take to her bed for the rest of the week to recover.

“I miss my family but I miss my horse most of all”

Meet your classic home counties, horse girl. She’s disgustingly middle class and struggles to dress herself without there being at least one Barbour or Ralph Lauren item.

When you initially meet her you get the impression that she is just really tight with her family, but then you start to get slightly weirded out when you realise that Penny is not her younger sister but actually her horse.

Quickly you realise you need to exit the conversation because you cannot treat a horse like a person for longer than two minutes.

“London is just so crazy, where I’m from we’d never go out this late”

Cue your naïve foreign exchange student. She’s come to London for the first time, and her reactions to everything make it seem like this is the first time she’s actually left the house. Constantly saying things like “wow!”, “oh my god no way” and “that’s just so random”. She mostly likely comes from some small town in America or Australia and has these big excitable eyes and talks about how much she loves to travel.

Every guy she meets falls head over heels in love with her because she has a sexy accent and she’s “different to English girls”. But, be warned. She’ll lure you into a relationship that she wants to be “meaningful, new and different to all her previous toxic relationships back home”. However, her exchange will come to an end, she’ll fly back home, you’ll see her back with her ex on Instagram and you’re left heartbroken and alone like every other boy who falls for these girls.

“I never go south of the river”

She lives in Islington or Camden and she never leaves her little North London Bubble. Even though she’s at uni all her friends are from that same North London bubble. This is because they all collectively chose to remain in London and live out their uni years here. She is North London and proud, and her stance on life “anything south of the River isn’t worth touching”.

Having a conversation with this gal is entertaining because she’s got that cold and blunt London sense of humour. However, after a few dates with this girl, you’ll realise she only ever wants to go to the same three bars in the hopes she’ll bump into one of her school pals and will ditch you on the date for a cig break that lasts 45 minutes with all her chums.

“I only date boys who went to Eton or Harrow”

At a push, they’ll make an exception for a Winchester or Westminster boy- but only when she’s comfortable in the knowledge he has a house in South Ken. For these girls your schooling means everything and if you don’t fit her public school image it doesn’t matter how good you are at anything else you’re just not the right one.

If you sleep with this girl and you’re not a public schoolboy she’ll keep you on standby as her regular shag whilst she reassures her friends that you’re just a “bit of fun and its nothing serious”. Deep down she’s waiting for Jonty to come and replace her daddy issues with hubby issues.

“Don’t you just love Hamilton”

Oh god, we get it you like theatre! However, their knowledge of theatre is limited to the Hamilton, Mamma Mia and Six soundtracks. These girls LOVE amateur dramatics, singalong events and randomly breaking into Alexander Hamilton at the pub. Total liabilities on a night out because they will drag you up to sing karaoke, break into a full-blown chorus number on the Tube or re-enact The Winner Takes it All in full if you do not pay them enough attention.

They live for drama, to such an extent that you can’t sustain a single conversation with them without them crying. Over the top doesn’t cut it. If you want to sing and dance your way through life, she’s the girl for you.

“But have you read Women Don’t Owe You Pretty?”

Meet your wannabe woke girl. However, her feminist views are problematique to say the least. Her wardrobe is made up of 50% TALA and the other 50% will be “super sustainable designer brands” (yeah we know what you’re thinking).

Whilst she’d like you to think that she’s the next big thing in social justice causes she avidly throws about the word “chav” and is riddled with insecurity when she’s around other girls she believes to be prettier than her.

She also considers herself to be a #bodyposi influencer to all 800 of her Instagram followers every time she posts a pic of herself with a singular stretch mark in a size six bikini.

“Anyone got any menthol filters?”

She really wants to be edgy but she’s just not quite there. She smokes menthols because she just can’t quite manage normal cigarettes. She drinks fruity cider because “normal cider and beer don’t taste nice” and she asks for extra oat milk in her latte. She’s basically a little duckling who led a sheltered life before coming to university and all her actions aim to hide that reality.

However, it won’t take long for you to see through the edgy outer layer and to the sweet little daddy’s girl underneath. When she’s not trying to look cool at the pub with her mates she’s wearing her M&S jumpers and has gone home to the countryside to see her grandparents for Sunday dinner.

“Come with me to the Tate to see the new Aubrey Beardsley exhibition, its free with my membership”

Meet your painfully pretentious girls. They’ll have a separate Instagram account for their film photography with some cringe name like “ellieslifeonfilm” or “daisysdisposables”.

These London girls consider themselves to be the elite of cultured society. Everything is too mainstream for them and if you even thought about taking them out to a chain venue for drinks they just wouldn’t show.

They are masters of ghosting as they genuinely believe they are too good to message back and unless you know your W.B. Yeats of by heart they just won’t be interested.

“Did you want to go to Notting Hill at the weekend?”

Not native Londoners, these girls have decided their life’s purpose is to be “as London as possible” without actually being from London. What they don’t realise is, they’ve missed the mark. Their understanding of London is firmly grounded in Hugh Grant movies and they have the same comprehension of London as an American.

After about three dates you’ll become really sick of hiking round incredibly underwhelming tourist spots. When you try and suggest you just go to the local for a drink she’ll strong-arm you into trekking to South Bank so you can pay £6.50 for a pint by the river.

“I just feel at one with the Heath”

Here we meet your naturist, drug-fuelled, weird girls. They love the Heath unhealthy amounts and if they could they would live up there permanently with a joint in hand.  These North London girls thrive off their BA and reading Sylvia Plath for fun. When they aren’t roaming Parliament Hill they’ll be found on the overground headed for Hackney Central where they can roam the streets filled with “their sort of people”.

These girls are just uncomfortably weird, it doesn’t matter what direction you try and steer the conversation in, they will just bring it back to some bizarre territory that you are not educated enough to discuss.

Way to avoid: frequent Primrose Hill instead.

“Lambeth is the place to be right now”

These girls have fled suburbia for oh wait, more suburbia. Sufferers of small city syndrome, they can’t quite break away from the communal feel of their roots and they definitely grew up somewhere like Clifton or Stockbridge. Their true loves in life are artisan bakeries and Waitrose- which is the main reason they moved to Lambeth in the first place.

If you want to impress this girl, take her for drinks in Jubilee Gardens and walk her down South Bank. Or, if you’re skint just take her to Waitrose, it’ll be love at first sight.

“Personally, I consider myself one of the lads”

She prides herself on her ability to down a pint in under five seconds and thrives upon a boys night. Most of her friends are guys and she told you its because girls find her intimidating. This girl is a seasoned pro when it comes to a night out, she will out drink you, she has more game than you and will be bundling you into an Uber at the end when you’ve inevitably died before her.

Whilst you think you stand a chance with these London girls, they’ll have you friend-zoned in all of five minutes and you’ll come to know that she’s essentially undateable because she’s a lad through and through.