Every type of boy you will meet on the London dating scene

Pints, buzzcuts and identity crises

The London dating scene, supposedly filled with excitement and ‘cultured city boys’. What a load of crap.

Whilst Instagram will lead you to believe that London boys are like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill and the cast of Made in Chelsea, it’s all a lie.

Get ready for a whirlwind of disappointing first dates, bland personalities and excruciating conversations. Here are the boys you will encounter if you venture into the London dating scene:

‘I could’ve been a professional footballer but I got injured’

Feel free to interchange football with any other sport, and expect your first encounter with them to resemble an X Factor sob story. Since not making it in the sporting world most of these lads end up working in finance or the military whilst whiling away their weekends playing Fifa, getting overly invested in fantasy football leagues and permanently having the sports channel on in the background.

‘Did I mention I have three houses’

The three house boy is a unique breed. They always have three houses, and one of these houses is almost definitely in France. Their three personalities can also be broken down by their houses: city house in London, otherwise the central hub for business and pleasure; the country home, depending on location its either for hunting, hiking or skiing (potentially all three); and the ‘getaway’, probably located near a beach for when the city “just gets too much”.

These boys take themselves way too seriously and all strongly believe that they will feature in the TIME 100 before they die. Dream on sweetie.

Three house boy: London Dating Scene

‘Let’s fuck the establishment’

Tries to flirt by quoting the Communist Manifesto or by presenting ‘The Establishment’ by Owen Jones as a canonical text for study. Can be found in Camden Market purchasing their next beret or communist coat. They take their fashion inspiration from Young Stalin and Che Guevara.

When not preaching their communist musings they’ll be smoking cheap roll-ups with a pint of Guinness trying to use Nihilism as the next talking point.

‘Did you know the Metropolitan Line is the oldest tube line’

Meet your TfL nerd. Whilst unique to London, the longer you spend in the city the more TfL nerds you’ll encounter. They love everything tube, red bus and train station. Talking about transport is where they feel comfortable so they will try and endear themselves to you with a quirky fact about their favourite bus route or the number of stops on the Picadilly Line.

These boys are diamonds in the rough but there’s a high chance they’ll become overly attached and want to get married after your third date.

‘I know a chicken shop better than Nando’s’

These easily identifiable south London types have an overly inflated ego stemming from their true London roots. They like to speak like roadmen even though they all went to private school. They also think that they’re cultured because they frequent their local Chicken Cottage instead of going to Nando’s or KFC.

Instead of taking you on a real date, these guys will make you eat chicken in a park or in their disgusting flat and it’s an overwhelmingly tragic experience.

‘Two pints of Amstel please’

When going on a date with this boy he’ll order two pints of Amstel instead of one, whilst he justifies it’s because of half-price happy hour on a Tuesday, deep down he knows it’s because he’s bricking it and needs the two pints to get him through the first 30 mins of the date.

Chances are, you won’t even know you’re on a date because he’ll bring his mates along and they’ll then sit there and discuss how the Amstel isn’t fizzy enough at your local anymore and that they should’ve paid the extra 50p for Birra Moretti. The chat died before you even arrived.

‘So, when I’m a banker’

This boy will tell you all about his finance aspirations in his artificially plummy tones. Whilst he’d like you to believe he went to Eton or Harrow he most likely went to some unheard of private school in suburbia. His ambition and drive definitely stem from a whole load of daddy issues or middle child syndrome – and in some extra special cases both!

If you’re looking to have a healthy balanced conversation this is not your man, as after about five minutes you’ll realise all he wants to talk about is his spring week at Goldman Sachs.

‘I only drink espresso’

Possibly the worst guy to go on a coffee date with, as you’re permanently anxious after they finish their tiny espresso. As the date unfolds you also come to realise he’s painfully boring as his love of espresso is grounded in his elitist ‘cultured’ views about everything. He would never mix spirits, only smoke Marlboro Golds and he takes red wine to a party.

Dressed in original Doc Martens and some cords this guy is easy to spot and easy to avoid. Save yourself from the boredom.

‘Yo check this next track, I produced it myself’

Says every guy who is aspiring to be the next Fisher. And, I hate to break it to all of you wannabe DJs but that track sounds exactly the same as the last five you played, and they all sound like a rip off of Losing It. On the odd chance, they’re actually any good at DJing they’ll certainly have the ego to go with it and will make sure you know about every time they supported some C-list DJ at Pickle Factory or another tiny venue out east you’ve never heard of.

‘I consider myself to be more woke than your standard guy’

Okay Mr Fuckboy Feminist, I see your game here, you read the introduction of Women Don’t Owe You Pretty and now you think you’re God’s gift to women everywhere. In the first 30 seconds of your conversation, you think that you’ve potentially met your one and someone who really gets it.

10 minutes in and you realise that they are just on some self-righteous monologue about how they are personally responsible for achieving women’s rights in the UK. Time to pipe down babes.

‘When it comes to politics I’d rather put a blue ribbon on a pig than let Labour ruin this country’

If you can stomach the conversation for more than 30 seconds, this guy will try and ‘educate’ you on the woes of British politics and how the Tories aren’t right enough, based on his rich countryside upbringing. Firmly in favour of bloodsports as character-building activities, only drinking port on a night out and will openly say that he’s looking for a girlfriend to become his subservient wife.

‘I can actually speak seven languages’

Your head will be turned. This guy will impress you with his ability to say hello in all seven of these mystical languages and you will immediately think that you’ve found the man you want to father your children. Knowing Italian, that’s sexy. However, this much linguistic ability comes with its cons, the ego on these men is UNBELIEVABLE.

Just because you can say ‘Hola’ doesn’t give you the right to flirt with every single girl in the room at once. Quite frankly it’s just rude and disrespectful. But, when he schedules a meet up for drinks you obviously say yes because you feel like the chosen one.

Moral of the story: if you want to preserve your self-esteem, don’t go there.

London dating scene boys

‘I’m part of a new generation of creatives’

Like this sentence, nothing these boys will say makes sense. They are arts boys to the extreme and you’ll never know whether their convoluted nonsense was triggered by a creative awakening or all the drugs they’ve been taking.

They try to believe that their work is the next big thing but are deeply trying to suppress the fact that if they do ever make it, it will be on the back of daddy’s money. No matter how hard they try to disguise their public school pasts with second-hand leather jackets and shirts from their gap-yah, it still radiates through every aspect of their conversation.

‘Gaming actually increases your mental capacity’

Guess what, we don’t care about the ‘benefits’ of you playing COD. Whilst we would recommend fact-checking your sources on gaming and mental capacity, we aren’t going to stop you playing video games. Although, when it becomes clear that your Xbox is your entire personality we will stop seeing you because it’s just boring.

No feeling is more infuriating than being invited over to a guy’s house just to sit there and watch him game whilst being hushed every time you offer to make a cup of tea.

Quarter life crisis boy: dating scene

‘What do you think of my hair?’

Here we have the victim of the quarter-life crisis. Upon realising that their former suburban lifestyle actually isn’t that interesting, these guys feel that they need to compensate by radically changing their image.

Cue the buzz cuts, bleached tips and mullets that have all been generated to cover up a  boring past.

Whilst desperately trying to perpetuate a fun persona these boys are riddled with mummy issues and they’re desperately craving someone to come and cook their dinner and do their laundry.