What your UCL panini says about you

God you’re not actually a ham and cheese person, are you?

The quest to find a sandwich in uni is always a tricky one. Partly because they’re a bit hit or miss. Partly because the choice is so bizarre. For the creatures of habit, however, selecting a panini isn’t too painful a process. Here’s exactly what your panini* choice says about you.

*We also included some wraps. Get over it.

‘Bacon with Roasted Mushrooms and Mozzarella’

Didn’t eat breakfast but want something with cheese because cheese is life? Sorted. This panini is for all the people who don’t give a fuck. You probably hated Meat-Free Mondays, and come out of your 9am lectures absolutely starving and keen for the greasiest sandwich within the UCL perimeter. You’re the kind of person who’s hungry 24/7, who devours this panini and then says “fuck me I could eat about 10 more of those”. And possibly does.

‘Hot Smoked Salmon Salad Wrap’

Whoever thought hot salmon would work? No one, just no one. It’s a fad and whenever there’s a new one these guys jump right on the bus with a megaphone in one hand and a condescending look in the other. When everyone wanted to get fish to nimble the dead skin off their feet, these guys were there. When people thought it would be cool to catch Koni, these guys got the butterfly nets out of Grandma’s attic. If you don’t know what issues are really, really fashionable at the moment, these guys will invite you to like the Facebook page they just created for it.

‘Roasted Mushroom and Mozzarella Panini’

Easy option, always available… but just a bit bland. If this panini was a boy it would be one of those guys that you know you can Snapchat at 1am when you’re bored saying “wyd x” and they’ll always reply… but 10 minutes into the conversation you remember how fucking dull they are.

‘Halloumi & Falafel Melt’

These guys probably signed up for CND when they were 12 and know way too much on the Israel-Palestine conflict. They’ve not actually been to Israel (or Palestine), they went to Zante once with some school friends so that kind of counts doesn’t it? Whenever they get drunk on wheat beer, they tell you how in a moment of madness they almost voted Lib dem… oh and did they tell you that meat is murder?

‘Mama’s Meatball Melt’

Ah, what better way to con a load of gormless students into the prospect of home cooking by sticking the word “mama’s” in front of a bang average sandwich. The meatball panini isn’t bad, but let’s face it, it’s not exactly a Subway Meatball Marinara is it? If you’re going to do it, at least do it properly. All this panini says about you is that you’re just plain lazy. There’s a perfectly decent Subway on Tottenham Court Road. Behave and go there instead.

‘BBQ Pulled Pork Hot Wrap’

Whenever you come to the cafe, BBQ pulled pork tries to stay relevant. It remembers the days when nobody would eat anything else but pulled pork. Alas, people started to look at the nutritional information and those days are now long over… never to return.

‘Mozzarella and Tomato Panini’

If this isn’t a glorified way of saying “pizza” then I don’t know what is. This has to be up there with the most risk-free paninis ever. You’ve probably picked this up by accident, or been forced to purchase it if there’s nothing else left. If this is your regular, however, chances are you’re boring. You probably nip down to the cafe at 12.45 on the dot on a daily basis to avoid the 1 o’clock queue and secure your beloved cheese and tomato sandwich and bottle of water. How thrilling.

‘Parma Ham Melt’

Oooooo look at me eating some fancy cured ham on a Tuesday lunch time. Is it fancy though? No it bloody isn’t. This panini is for those who like to think they’re eating some luxuriously prepared work of art, when the reality is it’s probably come off the back of a van. As you smugly nibble, rather than chomp, on this glorified toastie, you like to look down on the peasants who have settled for a standard ham and cheese. How BTEC.

‘Roasted Butternut Squash & Feta Tortilla’

Some people just don’t know when a joke’s gone too far.

‘Ham and Cheese’

Well well well, there’s always one. The ham-and-cheese-eater knows full well they are a ham-and-cheese-eater and ONLY a ham-and-cheese-eater, yet, nonetheless, they like to ponder the sandwich selection when with other people, as if by some miracle they might opt for something else. Perhaps it’s to try to impress their friends, who themselves know full well the ham-and-cheese-eater will always come out with “you know what I’m gunna play it safe and just go with ham and cheese”. They act as though they don’t judge… but my god they do. And with good reason.

‘Sticky BBQ Chicken Melt’

Arguably the most unattractive panini to consume, the BBQ chicken melt is one of those thing’s that has the potential to be quite good, but is always a bit of a disappointment. Just like the person consuming it.

‘Brie & Bacon Melt’

These guys knows there’s a box and they’re more than happy to stay in that box. ‘Taboo’ and ‘boundary’ are their watchwords and whenever they ‘treat’ themselves to lunch out, they always have this, just to stay on the safe side. Can’t be too mad now!

‘Tuna Melt Panini’

Not as boring as cheese and tomato but not as thrilling as a meatball melt, the tuna-panini-eaters of the world just ooze a sense of complacency and comfort. Controversial to some, yet adored by others. Probably not as bad for you as bacon, but not exactly great for you either due to the undeniable cheese content. Essentially, tuna-panini-eaters are just a bit, well, “meh”, for want of a better word.

‘Mozzarella, Vine Tomato and Fresh Pesto Panini (V)’

Not quite as bad as the standard cheese and tomato, but still pretty much a glorified pizza, i.e. the consumer is still boring AF. At least with this one the infamous ‘V’ symbol might give you another opportunity to remind people of your vegetarian preferences, so you can mention it at least once a day! As if you weren’t dry enough already.

‘Brie and Chipotle Jam (V)’

Seriously, who the fuck are you?