We know everything about you based on what bag you bring on a night out

Much like your choice of club, the type of bag you take with you on a night out tells you a lot about a person. The specific type of tote bag you prefer to use is a fleeting window into your soul, a way of broadcasting to everyone your vibe for the night. We’ve compiled a list, consulted tarot readers and magicians, and come up with a creepily accurate description of you, based entirely on what you carry your keys and phone in.

Not really. There are other jokes about Leeds students and bags I could make but I’ll get in trouble with my editors so this will have to do.

Pockets

You’re the mum of the group. You’re the one that books the holiday and the one who will carry their wailing, drunken mates home after a night out. What lies in the deep pockets of your Urban Outfitters cargo pants? The secrets to the universe and a leaflet for 20% off Flames fried chicken. You get extra mum points for having your keys on a carabiner, ready to scale up the Parkinson building at all times.

A shoulder bag

This article was dreamed up because I wanted one of those little shoulder bags on ASOS dot com. If you own one of these you’re either very fit and intimidating or you’re the type of girl to hype everyone up in the Warehouse bathrooms. Or both. You’re an icon regardless. Go off queen x

Hot girls have shoulder bags. Instagram @mmmmaddi.f

An expensive shoulder bag

I’ve seen a few people cutting about in Hifi with those very very very expensive Jacquemus bags and I just wanted to say I am entirely in awe of you all because you put the absolute fear of God into me. At once both deeply impractical (it barely fits your phone???)  and prohibitively expensive, you only have to leave it on a Walkabout bench with your phone inside to immediately set fire to two months rent. What’s it like to live with no worries whatsoever? DM me and let me know.

The fact that I roast people who own these will not stop me from desperately wanting one. Image credit – Selfridges.com

A tote bag

Granola girl vibes. You own long skirts, drink mint tea and wear lots and lots of earrings. You probably have a nose ring. All your clothes are from Vinted because Depop is too mainstream for you. You rewatched Mamma Mia 2 recently and have not stopped thinking about it since (relatable).

Tiktok @james_ikin

A company-branded tote bag

You love a good Careers Fair, you do. You spend your time daydreaming that a recruiter will see you with your branded consulting firm bag and offer you a job on the spot, like in a Hallmark film about pyramid schemes.

No bag

Chaos. This was me a few weeks ago, hence the ASOS quest. Without a bag or pockets, you’re forced to adopt what my friends call The Claw – holding keys, purse, phone, AirPods and sometimes water bottle in one hand. Not a vibe, mainly because it looks psychotic and you’ll spend your life absolutely paranoid that you’ve dropped something important.

The Claw in action – featuring chips, portable charger and a very dirty lift mirror

A bum bag

The contents of your bag are as follows: pot of glitter, battered passport (you’ve lost your driving licence), single debit card, drug safety leaflet, two lighters, someone else’s house key, a spent Elf bar, a pack of Amber Leaf and an empty pack of Rizlas.

You go to Boomtown every year and will never let anyone forget it. You rarely go out anymore, preferring a basement house party instead, but when you do it’s exclusively to those big events at Beaverworks or Mint. No one knows how you afford both the entry fee and the Uber back, but you make it work.

Those tiny baby backpacks

I have absolutely no thoughts on these other than they would be very easy to steal things out of. Take that as you will. I deny everything.

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