Why is Hidden Café not hidden?

Contrary to what the name might suggest, and much to everyone’s disappointment, the Hidden Café really isn’t very well hidden. In fact, you could even go as far as to say it’s really easy to find.

Unless it was named after a University benefactor called Mr. Hidden, which seems unlikely, it’s a stupid name. You walk up the back entrance to the union, and it’s right there. Even if you come in another way, it doesn’t take too much of a David Livingstone to stumble across the room with the random door in the middle.

Seriously, what is the point of that door?

Clearly some people do think of it as hidden though, because part of the union building’s multi-million pound investment includes a revamped south entrance, which they say will improve access to the place.

Yes, I know “easy-to-find café” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, but here’s some things that are clearly better hidden than the Hidden Café.

The Treehouse

You’ve probably never even heard of this place before. If you have, you definitely got lost the first time you tried to find it. More illusive that Houdini in camouflage, it’s essentially just another secret common room in which students can procrastinate.

A weights rack at the EDGE

At peak times, the EDGE is even more crowded than the Hidden Cafe. The recent refit made more room for weights, and a brand new room. Unfortunately, it seems they have even more members than before, rendering the gym just as busy as the pre-refit days.

We think the Brownlee brothers found them though

The Raven theatre

You know that little glass triangle thing outside the back of the union? It’s an old debating chamber that was converted into a theatre in the round. It’s so hidden, it’s underground.

Due to the state of the place, and lack of disabled access, it’s not even allowed to be used for performances any more. Useful, huh.

Most of the lecture theatres in Roger Stevens

Good old Roger

You enter Roger Stevens and are greeted by lecture theatres one, two, three and 17. 17!? What are you doing there 17, are you drunk? Also, WHERE THE FUCK DID FLOOR NINE GO?

It’s no wonder I’m late for my lecture after having to navigate this maze, only to find out each row has its own door. I can’t really tell which rows are full or not without opening said door, or creepily peering through that little window.

Roger Stevens is proof Architecture students are probably the biggest stoners.

That draw containing free condoms in the union

If you didn’t know about this draw, it could change your life (and potentially prevent new life). Enter the union from the main entrance, head up the stairs and turn right.

Never again will you have to listen to a boring speech about sexual health to obtain a C card, or have to rely on your free stash from Freshers. They even have different brands to cater for the fussy.

You’re welcome – stay safe.

The bun on the Terrace ‘burger’

This is such a big issue I could probably write an article about it. Oh wait, I already did. Sorry Terrace, you can quote from the official dictionary of grilled meats all you like, NOBODY thinks of this as a burger.

Still not a burger

Unless it’s a joke we’ve clearly missed out on, Hidden Café have been living under this false pretence of secrecy and it has gone on far too long. Enjoy your cappuccino, you elusive bastard.