How to avoid your friends from home this Easter
Don’t pretend you actually want to see them
Easter, the final frontier.
Exams are just around the corner, summer is miles away, and you need to go home and exploit this holiday for everything it’s worth if you stand any chance of not going insane.
But this much-anticipated break from uni is somewhat of a double-edged sword, for not only have you gleefully jumped on the train back to home-cooked meals and central heating, so has every other idiot you emigrated to uni to escape from.
There’s a reason you didn’t keep in touch with these people.
And no matter where you come from, the chances of bumping into at least 274 of them down the local Spoons this Spring is extremely likely, so you need to take every measure possible to prepare yourself.
The obvious first step is complete avoidance.
Try to stick to lesser used routes in the area.
The more obscure the better here – we’re talking back alleys, cutting through the forest, digging up your mad parkour skills from 2011 – whatever’s necessary.
Try investing in a good pair of running shoes too, and possibly some professional cardio training – you never know when you’ll need to do the bolt, and these people could be anywhere.
But sometimes the lure of the sausage roll becomes too strong and a trip to the high street Greggs becomes a near life or death situation – greatly increasing the risk of unnecessary small talk with some guy you sat next to in Maths once six years ago.
You’re going into the heat of battle now, and your only available option at this point is making sure nobody sees or recognises you.
First of all you’re going to have to completely change your physical appearance, starting with your hair.
Dye it, wear a wig, get a weave, shave it all off – it doesn’t matter, but just make sure nobody can ever see the real you again. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
After this, the next logical step is full face coverage. The dodgier you look the better, and an ideal situation here is people crossing the street in fear of your serial killer fashion choices.
Next on the agenda: an essential key element if you’re going to remain inconspicuous is planning set hiding places in advance.
Think hay bales you can jump into at a moment’s notice, flower pots you can crouch behind, shop displays you can blend into, statues you can imitate etc.
Remember you need to prepare for the absolute worst case scenario, including swiftly escaping the eye-line of your old geography teacher who once told your parents you got a C because you “daydreamed too much”.
At this point you’re completely prepared. There’s nothing more you can possibly do.
And if even after all the planning and sneaking about someone STILL recognises you, there’s really not much else you can do.
It’s game over.
Unless you just tell them you’re late for your bus.