The truth about halls

‘Organising nights out is easy because everyone’s so loose they can barely remember what day it is’

glasgow university halls of residence

Halls of residence – the foundation of our student voyage through poor choices, out of date food, and unwashed socks.

But what else can you look forward to during your stay at Glasgow’s finest halls?

The Best

Band of Brothers 

Chances are you will move into halls for first year, living all on your own for the first time and desperate to make some friends.

Meeting your flatmates can be daunting, but everyone is in the same boat and, to be honest, the conditions in halls will probably band you together as fast as soldiers in the fucking trenches.


They think trench foot was bad? Try waking up to a kitchen where someone’s asleep in the sink and there’s sick in the salad drawer in the fridge.

Nothing brings people together like cleaning up the piss of someone you’ve just met and promising you won’t tell anyone.

It’s actually warm 

Halls may be pricey but all costs are included which means you don’t have to be mature enough to deal with bills. Good.

And you can walk around in a t-shirt without thinking you’re going to die of hypothermia.

Enjoy the cosiness of halls because you’ll be writing your essays with gloves on next year in a private flat.


Nice n cosy

No parents, no rules 

In halls there’s always going to be a party happening somewhere, and they can be pretty decent (unless you live in Maclay).

You may have to abide by the rules of the accommodation but parties are a good way of getting everyone together to have a laugh.

Your mum and dad aren’t there to supervise so anything goes, even get some strippers involved for the banter if you like.


it was a memorable night for Queen Margaret residents

Abbie’s friends thought it would be funny to hire a stripper for her 18th.

The memory of that night is a blur but she said: “I was having to concentrate very hard not to puke all over him.”

Being lonely is not an option 

Everyone lives together so you have the guarantee there will always be someone at a loose end up for chilling or going out.

Or braiding each others hair or accompanying you to your appointment at Sandyford.

Organising nights out is so much easier in halls because everyone’s so loose they can barely remember what day it is never mind what time they need to be up in the morning.

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clearly loads of fun to be had

The Worst:

Kill Joys

For every sound person you meet in halls there will probably be a complete bore who dampens the mood and reminds you uncannily of Screech from Saved by the Bell.

These people rarely leave their cave of a room (except to go to uni) and when they do it’s only to complain about everything.

These are the kind of people who leave the original bedding on when they move in. Weird.


prepare to avoid having to take out the recycling at all costs

These people begrudge you having a social life but they’ll happily keep you up until 4am as they Facetime their boyfriend/girlfriend in New Zealand or have a late night tutor sesh. Yeah.

One resident of Winton Drive, known for its overseas students, said: “My flatmate is constantly on Facetime to her boyfriend back home but makes absolutely no effort to chat to me.

“I wish they’d just break up already.”

Be thankful you never have to see their miserable faces again next year.

Fire Alarms

No one enjoys being woken up at 7am on the only day they don’t start uni until 1 for yet another fire alarm check.

Or having to get out of the shower because there is an actual fire practice so you’ve got to wait outside in your dressing gown.


Imagine being dripping wet for 20 minutes surrounded by a bunch of people staring at you, looking entirely relieved they aren’t you.

Glasgow isn’t the warmest of places either, Judas bastards.

Maintenance people 

So much upheaval caused by the never ending disturbance from various maintenance staff.

Whether they come to take away your perfectly working toilet for no reason , or to make sure you don’t have a lava lamp bubbling away in your room, there’s always someone knocking at your door.

Or just rudely barging in unannounced.


how dare they confiscate my lava lamp

Kathryn, who lived in Queen Margaret last year is still scarred from when: “A member of maintenance staff, at least I hope that’s who it was, came into my room without knocking.

“So I hid under the covers and waited until they left.

“I could have easily been butt naked”.

In your own flat you have none of this crap to deal with and you can revel in your own filthy and fire hazardous boudoir without any nagging.


there was nothing wrong with the bloody toilet

Privacy is but a distant dream 

Want to quickly sneak your one night stand out before anyone catches you?

Forget it.

Just be thankful there isn’t a fire alarm the morning after and everyone sees your sober interactions as well as drunk.

Everyone already knows what you’ve been up to after they saw you stumble out of a taxi and into your room last night, so you can just let go of the last dregs of dignity you have left.

Gossip in halls spreads like bushfire, which can be entertaining but equally as shaming when it’s about your own hideous regrets you’ve made at Viper.


We’ve all had a little too much at times