Someone’s trying to resell a TP ticket for £80, so here are nine things you can buy instead

Yes, that is 89 pints of milk


It’s 2022, and the world has officially gone mad. And by that I mean that people are getting TP tickets and trying to resell them for ridiculous prices – someone actually thought it was socially acceptable to sell a TP ticket for a whole 80 GREAT BRITISH POUNDS  (whoever you are, Overheard is not a full time job).

I love the ‘Piece as much as the next Exeter student, but I am not about to pay a randomer £80 for the privilege. If you didn’t manage to bag yourself an official ticket, here are nine other things you can buy instead:

1. 266 CostCo Toilet Rolls

By the impressive calculations of my flatmates and I, despite the humanities degrees, we came to the solid conclusion that one £80 TP ticket does in fact equate to two hundred and sixty six loo rolls. At 12 pounds for 40, making that 30 pence per loo roll, with £80 you could buy nearly a full year’s supply of toilet roll. You would never live in fear of having to use kitchen roll, newspaper, or in the worst circumstances, nothing at all, ever again.

2. 27 normal priced TP tickets

This is just sad. 27 normal tickets. 27 trips to TP. 27 opportunities to get a Venom. 27 journeys to ‘top top’. I’ll stop there.

3. Eight Venoms at TP (or 16 if you’re at Fever)

Once a strictly TP phenomena, the timeless Venom is no longer such an exclusive item, as Fever have decided to weigh in on the offer. So, even if you don’t get into your beloved Timepiece, you will not be denied your taste of that majestic green juice (if you know you know) – Fever might just have started looking that little bit more appealing. And with tickets at one 16th of the extortionate price of TP re-sells, a night cheating on your precious TP seems worth it.

4. Two pairs of Tom’s Trunks

The official Exe-rah uniform, no self-respecting Exeter student’s wardrobe is complete without a pair – so why not waste your money on two pairs! At least you can look the part as you sit sadly at pres staring into your Vodka Coke preparing yourself for a night at Unit 1, deciding to make it a quadruple shot as you come to the realisation it’s not even a Cheesies special.

5.  79 Pret filter coffees

I know this is the cheapest of cheap coffee options (blame the student budget), but you could caffeinate yourself  for nearly 16 working weeks on the price of a TP ticket alone. I’m talking a coffee every single day, not just on the days where you decided to treat yourself, but a coffee every single day. Monday to Friday. For 16 weeks. Trust me, I’m just as shocked writing this as you are reading it.

6. A return flight to Paris

You may have to fly from Liverpool, but for the cracking bargain of 20 quid, you could spend the weekend in Paris for the price of a night in the ‘Piece. Actually, you could go to Paris and back four times for that price. What would you choose – romantic getaway soaking up the sights of the Louvre with a croissant in hand or a romantic drunken canoodle in the corner of TP smoking area after a mullet offered you his favourite vape. I think I know what I would be choosing.

^hands up if you’d rather be in TP than Paris

7. 89 pints of milk

I couldn’t even begin to calculate the number of cups of tea or bowls of cereal you could make with this amount of milk, but I’m betting it’s quite a few. And for all the oat milk girlies out there, it’s still a decent number for you too, totalling around 74 litres of oat milk, keeping you in plant-based pleasure for at least a few weeks. I realise this seems slightly absurd, but this is the content you need to be considering next time someone on Overheard wants you to cough up a small fortune – just think about the (oat) milk.

^who needs milk when you have Venom

8.  A whole Lego Harry Potter Hogwarts Express

As advertised in the gifting section in Selfridges, of course, a mere 75 British pounds would be taken from you in exchange for a full Lego Harry Potter Hogwarts Express set. You would then even have a spare £5 for wrapping paper, ribbon and possibly even a cheeky card to congratulate the receiver that this gift cost as much as a TP entrance when you were a student in the darkest times of Exeter clubbing.

9. Fortum and Mason Hamper

For a mere £75 you can treat yourself in the most Penny C way possible: by buying the luxury “Taste of Fortnum’s” hamper. Complete with: two types of loose-leaf tea, Earl Grey shortbreads, chocolate coins decorated to look like the actual storefront (my inner five year old is squealing), fancy jam, marmalade, and a fruit cake. Not exactly our usual way to wind down, quite the opposite in fact from a Wednesday night with the new series of Love Island and some I Heart wine. Once you’ve scoffed the fancy preserves and tea, you’ve still got yourself a fiver to go and splurge on some emergency Cadburys if the fruit cake hasn’t quite hit that sweet spot.

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