19 things your dad is *guaranteed* to do when you move into Exeter halls
Move over Airport Dad, it’s the era of Uni Dad
Freshers’ Week: you may have thought that the hardest part was behind you, having actually got into uni, but alas, moving day is the cruel test that will make or break every parent-teen relationship. Whilst your mum will have been counting down this day since results day, done the mandatory IKEA shop and gone through a whole box of tissues, chances are that your dad forgot about it until the night before.
It’s fair to say that dads are their own special breed of humanity: immediately owning a pair of cargo shorts with multiple pockets and decide that socks and sandals are a lewk the minute your mum gave birth. However, never has their dad-ness had a better chance to shine than the day you move into halls. Here are 19 things he is guaranteed to do on your first day of uni:
1. Plan the route up to a week before, detailing all the traffic hotspots and have at least three alternative routes.
Even if you and another parent have already driven there for an open day, he will insist he knows best. He will get into a heated argument with the sat-nav halfway through the journey – claiming he’s taken a sneaky “short-cut” the sat-nav doesn’t know about, despite the fact that he’s never actually driven there before. He’ll then get annoyed when there’s a queue, having forgotten that 5,000 other dads have taken a ‘secret’ short-cut too.
2. Be the only person allowed to pack the car
About halfway through he’ll comment on the amount of stuff you’ve packed asking: “are you sure you need all this?” accompanied by a chorus of “why do you own so much stuff?” Bonus points if he questions why you bought new things claiming you have duplicates in the shed somewhere.
3. Complain that no-one is helping him
And/or complain that his back hurts.
4. Repeatedly ask you if you have a screwdriver
Detailing the absolute PERILS of not having one, including but not limited to not being able to put your pots and pans together.
5. Put all your furniture together within ten minutes of arriving
With or without a screwdriver, there is no stopping him (unless he’s lost his glasses). Usually he will complete this whilst you and your mum are breathlessly hauling your eight IKEA bags (you know the ones I mean) up four flights of stairs.
6. Fiddle with the radiator setting
“Just to make sure it’s working”. Subsequently deciding that it must be broken and that you should immediately contact maintenance.
7. Give the newly put together furniture a pat, saying “well that will do nicely”
You will not have seen such a look of pride on his face since you told him you got accepted into uni.
8. Comment on the view from your window – no matter how bad it is
“Hm, you can almost see (insert vague significant building) from here!” – No dad, that’s just the local co-op.
9. Point out where your nearest bins are
Again repeating the absolute dangers of missing bin day.
10. Drive to the nearest supermarket and do the “things you’ve forgotten” shop
Throwing: a back-up screwdriver, WD40, and some spare batteries into the basket, insisting you need them. They will in fact stay unused and unopened for the entire year, only to be found when you’re moving out, and usually taken straight to your second year house.
11. Point out the spots you’re most likely to develop mould
*Does a second “things you’ve forgotten shop” to get Cillit Bang*.
12. Point out the nearest pub and say: “there’s your new local”
Or “there’s your lecture hall” if he’s trying to be funny. Bonus point if he decides to go in for a quick pint whilst your mum finishes the decorating.
13. Try and anticipate the moment your mum is going to burst into tears
Not realising she has in fact already cried twice – once before you even left home.
14. Try and locate the Wifi router
Fruitlessly it will turn out, as the main router is actually located in the forum on main campus, under lock and key of the maintenance team, much to his outrage and disbelief.
15. He will switch ALL the lights on and off
Probably commenting on their brightness or lack of.
16. Turn on your shower and check its pressure
Usually whipping out the screwdriver (again) in an unsuccessful attempt to try and fix it. You’re a management consultant dad, not a plumber.
17. Ask him to remind you what you’re studying
“I’ve not forgotten, I just want to make sure I get it right when I tell your uncle.”
18. Regale stories from when he was at uni or from his youth in general
Including all his crazy fresher memories – and in some unfortunate cases, describing in detail how he met your mum – close your ears, trust me.
19. Lastly, take a look around the clean, perfectly organised room and say “well, it won’t stay like this for long”
It’s true, no one can quite make a bed like your mum can.