Winter is coming, but I’d rather be here than with Australian convicts
Jack Banister argues why he would rather be in wet Exeter than convict-filled Australia.
The minimum wage may be appalling, the sun doesn’t shine much (other than out of Boris’ anus) and you’re all a bit ‘snobbish’ – but life in the motherland could be a lot worse.
In fact, I’ve taken to it quite well. Here’s why:
1. Your country isn’t burning:
While you’re freezing in sub-zero temperatures this Christmas, just remember: cold is better than extremely hot.
2. You have lots of green stuff:
No, I don’t mean that sort of green stuff. Seriously, the grass here is actually green. Like, proper green. Not a yellowy, sort of tingey-ish shade, but actual, god-damn, proper, colour-wheel green. It’s quite nice.
If you’ve ever been to Australia, you’ll know that a lot of pubs down there are trying to be British – but doing it quite badly, which is somewhat ironic given my whole bloody nation pretends to have nothing to do with you.
In reality, we convicts just have an inferiority complex. And you still have better pubs…
4. The Queen:
She’s a little bit of a babe.
5. Boris. Need I say more?
You lot can still make sure your next PM has some personality.
We convicts, meanwhile, have just elected a big-eared, hairy-nosed, misogynistic baboon with a penchant for wearing red speedos, which are obviously only acceptable at charity events.
We’re stuck with him for three years, and we probably deserve it, given he referred to a rather mysterious ‘suppository of wisdom’ during his election campaign – and still won…
It’s easy to take for granted when your house becomes an igloo in January and your car is rendered useless, but the idea of big white bits of fluff falling from the sky simply because of Mother Nature is kind of cool.
Also, if you have no friends, you can just build one, which is quite useful if you’re 16,520 kilometres away from home.