Everything you need to know about Edinburgh Uni that the prospectus didn’t tell you

Ah, going to uni – a hallmark in any young person’s life. A sign of growing up. Unis love to try and tell you you’ll have a fab time: make new friends, learn about a course you love and live in a stunning city… or so they say.

What they don’t tell you about though is the shit weather, spending 80 per cent of your life in your room (especially now because of Covid) and the questionable architecture. On the plus side, at least you can get over your phobia of mice by seeing one at least once a day!

Prepare yourself for the truth with this guide of the many things the Edinburgh Uni prospectus seems to miss out on.

Get to know about 30 per cent of Edinburgh by spending most of your time in the same three places

You’ll find yourself spending time in your room, a friend’s room and your corner shop. That’s pretty much it. If you’re feeling adventurous you may venture to Sainsbury’s instead of Tesco’s. When the sun makes its annual appearance you may find yourself at Portobello beach or the Meadows doing the same thing you’re always doing: drinking and ranting about how shit uni is at the moment. Cheers to that.

Experience the most profound sense of desolation in the library

The one time a friend returned from the library last semester she looked like she’d seen a ghost. If you’ve been to the library during Covid AND during exam season, you’re entitled to free therapy. No one should have to endure the sights of freshers crying because they’re lost or fourth years staring into the abyss of their laptop screen because their dissertation seemingly isn’t writing itself.

Witness new fashion trends

Thought flares were a thing of the 80s? Well, the 80s called and they want to tell every girl in Pollock that wearing them with a Canada Goose and platform trainers is not integral to their history.

Also, if you don’t have a signet ring, have no fear because Edi has its own! It’ll cost you £50 and every single drop of dignity you have left in your body. Oh, and a mullet costs you the same amount. Oh no, wait. Minus the £50.

Get ready to be neglected by your landlord once you’re thrown to the wolves after the safety of halls

As soon as you move into a flat, your conversations with your landlord will tend to go something like this:

“Yeah, so the heating is still down after three months. Yeah. Oh, you’ll send an engineer next week? Okay, thanks so much. The mice colony has grown by 300 since we last spoke, actually. The shower? Yeah it’s still covered in black mould, but it’s okay, I’m sure the air we’re breathing is just about safe. The cold water is refreshing after a while I guess – who needs hot water anyway, right? Oh, when the engineer comes, he’ll have to call us because our buzzer still doesn’t work. Just tell him it’s the door covered in red graffiti, not blue. Yeah, thanks so much. Stay warm? We’ll try to”.

Get to know Edinburgh’s extensive mouse population

Nothing quite like turning a corner and seeing a blurry fluffy thing run across the room. Or, if you really want your character arc to go up a few levels, experience the joy of finding one in your bed, in your clothes, in your slippers, in your bath… pretty much anywhere you can think of where you literally would never want to find a mouse because chances are they’ll be one there.

It’s all part of the ambience. Nay, the dark academia aesthetic. Photoshop one running around New College, and Pinterest will still go wild.

Admire the stunning uni architecture

Whether you’re into the repressive and depressing design of 40 George Square, or you prefer to take a trip up Appleton Tower purely so you can see Edinburgh without seeing Appleton Tower, you’ll soon develop an unhealthy love for the ugly buildings dotted around campus. Do you even love your uni if you don’t defend its ugly buildings? Didn’t think so.

Are you familiar with the sensation of being cold? Prepare to get a lot more familiar

Unless you pack an Artic expedition puffer bodysuit, you’re probably going to get cold. Because Edinburgh is cold 24/7. Even in the summer. You’ll start to get genuinely excited for a heatwave at the sight of the temperature being 16 degrees.

The wind is a whole new level. Prepare to be blown away, literally. On the bright side, no need to buy a train ticket home when the wind could just carry you there for free!

Join the Pollock cult or join the anti-Pollock cult

You either blend right in with Benjamin and Hugo or you don’t. There’s no in-between. If you love it, get ready to defend Chancellors at every opportunity and get ready to get absolutely slandered by anyone who doesn’t live there. Either way, it’s character building.

Make new friends! Or just stay in the exact same circle of friends without making any effort to grow as a person

Uni is all about being you. Finding the true version of you. Making friends for life – sometimes, just out of the friends you already know.

Or, if you do try and become friends with your new flatmates, you’ll probably hate them by the end of the first semester because they never wash up and blast their shit dnb until 4 am every Sunday. Don’t worry, it’s all part of the uni halls experience.

Perfect your cooking techniques… of pasta and pasta alone

Worried about how you’ll feed yourself for the next seven months? Don’t worry, pasta will be your saviour. Or, if you’re feeling reckless, maybe a pot noodle. Think of it as a source of emotional support that will never let you down. Also, you’ll probably find yourself knowing at least one person who has attempted to cook it in a kettle.

Please don’t try this.

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• VOTE: What’s the ugliest building on Edi’s campus?

• Dog poop and ugly vases: Edinburgh Goes Dating is back again