All the emotional stages of your landlord fucking you over

You're guaranteed a lot of things at university: hangovers, anxiety and malnutrition to name a few. Another thing that almost every university student will go through (other than those whose parents buy them flats – you lucky sods) is having to deal with seriously shitty landlords and letting agencies.

It's par for the course – one of the first tastes of real life – when you realise that the world is not the safe and cuddly place you might've thought it was when you were still living off the bank of Mum and Dad.

If you're lucky, you'll just have to face something sour like an unreasonable cleaning fee, but there is a much darker side of the shit that landlords and letting agents put students through. Examples range from not having heating, to ripping out bathrooms without notice (or reason), to ceilings falling down and them doing nothing about it.

This is a comprehensive list of all the emotional stages students go through when their landlords severely, totally and completely fuck them over.

1. Shock

If you thought you were shook when Curtis dumped Amy on Love Island, this is a whole different kind of shock. They've.. done… what?? You can hardly speak, as you try to understand what is going on.

This is not a workable loo

2. Confusion

So okay, your flat is broken, damage has been done, which you cannot repair, but what you don't understand is, why? Why, God, why has this happened? There seems to be no logic behind the landlord renovating the flat while you're still living there – how could they possibly think this would be okay?

3. Anger

You're experiencing rage that is beyond your cognitive faculties. Nothing like this has ever happened to you before. You've spent 24 hours without a functioning toilet, your heating isn't working, and you can't even make a coffee in the morning. You quake with anger as you call your mum and you bitch to all your uni mates, but in reality, none of them can help you. This disheveled world is your life now.

4. Hope

'Okay, surely it won't be that bad', you tell yourself. These people must see reason eventually, and surely, you'll at least be compensated for your troubles. You can shower at the gym, you can shower at your friends' flats, you can go out for dinner instead of cooking at home… maybe it'll be kind of fun?

You can hear the neat freaks of Edinburgh crying

5. Despair

You won't be compensated for your troubles which is not fun, trust me. The letting agencies literally do not give a fuck. To them, students are just piggy banks that they can and will bleed dry. You realise that the world is no longer a safe place. This is a rude awakening that you do not need.

Standards lower than pulling in Hive

6. The 'do you know who I am? ' stage

Um, excuse me, do you not know that I go to Edinburgh University? Surely lanlords should have more respect for the 'yahs'? You quickly realise that outside of George Square, no one gives a fuck about who you are or where you went to boarding school. Canada Goose jackets aren't legitimate currency in the real world, and Pollock prestige can't save you from your letting agency taking you for a ride. Le cri.

One big no

7. Hysteria

The more time passes, the more hysterical you become. You start to wonder if the builders they've sent are even legitimate builders: maybe they're the stars of some cheap porno? Your friends hardly believe you when you tell them what's going on, and doubt it's even really happening. You and your flatmates can only laugh, because if you don't laugh you cry. Or you laugh and cry, and hysterically rock back and forth, because what the fuck is going on.

No candlelit baths happening here anytime soon

8. Total and complete despair

Three weeks go by, and you still don't have a shower. You descend into total and complete despair. Nothing makes sense anymore.

9. Relief

Eventually, the madness comes to an end. Bathrooms get plumbed back in, ceilings get rebuilt, and rats get exterminated. The feeling is euphoric. All you are left with is hazy memories, and conversations along the lines of: 'Oh remember that time we paid £500 a month to live in unhabitable conditions?' Wahey, goooood times.