What does your favourite Edinburgh club night say about you?
A study more critical than any mid-term you’ll ever write
Your favourite uni club night, while it may seem insignificant, brands you like your shitty gap year tattoos. After all, who knows you better than the bouncers that have had to remove you from the club toilets, or the bar staff who have served you countless vodkas and VK? Whether Drake is your religion, or you're still in your emo phase, exactly where you choose to embarrass yourself on a night out is a feature of your personality you cannot deny.
Look, Milk is a poor man's Rascals, and there is no escaping it. You get down and dirty to Beyonce and TLC, but you couldn't name more than one Drake song. You only drink gin and lemonade, always leave the club in time to get a McDonald's, and rock up to your lecture the next day in Adidas, banging on to anyone who will listen about how rad last night was.
Your top Google search is, "how do I get into techno?", you've gone to Cab Vol every Tuesday since Freshers' Week and yet you still can't name a single techno artist.
You hide your Barbour and your car keys every time you have people over to try and disguise the fact that you're a yah. Your wardrobe is made up exclusively of Depop, Urban Renewal, and random odds and ends from charity shops that all stink of stale Red Stripe and BO – because you're edgy, yeah?
Secretly, you long to dance to Drake and Rihanna, but you'd never be caught dead in a George Street club. You've spent too long cultivating this faux edgy persona, avoiding what you inevitably know to be true – that techno is just noise for people who try too hard.
You say you're from South London, but you're really from Kent. You live for Post Malone and Kendrick Lamar, and you defo have Sicko Mode as your anthem on Tinder.
You consistently embarrass yourself by doing gang signs in club pictures, and have splurged your student loan on a bottle of Grey Goose so many times that you're completely out of excuses. You say you go to Rascals every week because you love the music, but really you're just looking for the Beyonce to your Jay Z. Let's hope you find her before you have to resort to buying tables.
Does anyone still go here?
If Garibaldi's is your club of choice, then you, like the club, are definitely a great time. You can be found necking the putrid yellow of a Gazza's Special any day of the week, because, as Shawn Mendes said, there is nothing holding you back.
The soles of your trainers are always covered in tiny bits of broken glass, and your jacket has never been the same colour since you thought it was a good idea to safely stow it away in a dark corner (rookie mistake) – but you'll still leave any other club early for the promise of an hour's boogie in Garibaldi's. You went to university looking for a long term love, and Garibaldi's has taken your heart.
You're a fresher and you live in Pollock, and yes, that is the extent of your personality.
You're a Fiat 500 girl, and you couldn't care less. You're part of a sports soc and you ALWAYS look en flique. You have the best make up and outfit, and your girl squad is right out of 7 Rings.
Somehow you always end your night crying over something, whether it's the fact that someone spilt your green VK down your white Ralph Lauren, or that Hugo from Polo Soc kissed Poppy instead of you.
You were an emo in high school, and you thought you'd leave it behind when you went to uni. Alas, you've failed. You loose your shit to My Chemical Romance and Paramore, and couldn't name an Ariana Grande song if your life depended on it. Your Spotify is permanently set to private, because you don't want anyone to know that you genuinely listen to Fall Out Boy.
In short, you haven't grown up yet, and who knows, maybe you never will?