Forget the rugby lads: Cricket boys make the best boyfriends
This summer is cricket season in more ways than one
By this stage we’ve all safely established that rugby lads are awful, awful people. Studies also suggest their football counterparts aren’t much better. What options are left then for any discerning bachelor(ette)?
Allow me to introduce you to the pinnacle of sporting prowess – the cricketer. Your knowledge of the sport may be limited to dated clichés of a dour, upper class trope in which a draw can occur after five days' play, but don’t be so quick to dismiss its participants.
Here we shall run through just some of the many reasons why this summer is prime cricket season – not only in the sporting sense, but in the cuffing sense as well.
Patience is a virtue
As hinted at above, a game of cricket goes on for a disgustingly long time. Admittedly, unless you’re lucky enough to snag yourself a pro, your new beau won’t quite be hitting the five-day mark. Nevertheless, they will be well equipped to long days in a field.
This sort of experience is prime training for building a healthy relationship. If they can watch a 67-year-old pat back medium pace for hours on end, then waiting for you to get ready, listening to your various woes, and suffering through tedious days with your family will be a piece of piss.
Space to breathe
Spending every waking hour with your partner is unsustainable and, frankly, undesirable. As a Geordie philosopher-cum-singer once noted, |"too much of anything can make you sick, even the good can be a curse."
Whereas your basic rugby/football lout will be away for at best a couple of hours, a cricketing partner will give you an entire Saturday to yourself, maybe even Sunday if you’re lucky.
If you’re that desperate to see them, little beats watching cricket on a sunny weekend. Doing this will however risk shattering the image you hold of your partner as some sort of sporting Adonis when he rocks up to bat eight and not bowl.
Also, the summer commitments of a cricket boy means that you’ll be forced into holidaying in the winter, saving money on the hiked up summer rates – genius.
They have excellent chat
As a quick Google search after reading this article will tell you, chatting and ‘sledging’ the opposition is an integral part of any cricket match. This is in part an attempt to win the game, but more so a way of making it through the tedium. Whatever the reasoning, it can only benefit your relationship.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, people love to stress that what really matters is someone’s personality and ‘chat’ rather than looks. If this is truly the case, you’ll be in for a treat with a cricketer who has honed their chatting abilities through years of alpha-ing thirteen year olds in the field.
They have realistic rigs
"Ooo Toby, you’ve got such an amazing six-pack." How dull. You should all be aware by now that muscular physiques and abs are incredibly 2000s. Whilst rugby and football chaps may be more likely to possess a core of steel, you’ll be much happier with the more down to earth cricket body.
Firstly, a six-pack requires hours in the gym, time that your rugby fella can’t spend with you. They’ll also probably shout at you as they develop roid-rage and various health deficiencies from excessive protein intake.
Secondly, their physique inevitably puts pressure on you to do the same. No one wants to be the fat partner. With a cricketing other half, you can relax in the knowledge that they’ll never show you up at the swimming pool.
They're good with their hands
Especially the finger spinners.
We'll leave that one there.
So this weekend, rather than sending off a Love Island application as a last, desperate attempt at avoiding solitude, get down to your local cricket club and start prowling.