I used Donald Trump quotes to get me laid on Tinder

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last year, you’ve probably heard of Donald Trump. He is the supervillain of our generation, becoming a symbol for everything that is wrong with the world; sexism, racism and, importantly, bad hairlines.

Forget Obama’s birth certificate, we need a check on whether Donald Trump is human and not some heartless, undatable alien sent here to enslave us all.

And yet here I am, single and furiously swiping on Tinder as Donald Trump relaxes in his mansion, fucks his wife and slowly starts to take over the free world, while I’m starting to think there is no God. Trump just seems to posses some kind of superpower to say whatever he wants and get away with it; no matter what he does, he’ll always remains popular, making him the perfect candidate to step up my Tinder game… or so I thought.

Because is there really anyone better to help me break the ice than the man who’ll have had the world’s reserve melted by the end of his first term? So, taking that to its literal extreme, I decided to quote him directly in the hope that some of that magic would rub off on me.

Realistically, I think I need a miracle.

Unfortunately, it’s probably miraculous that anyone replied, or that i even have any matches at all right now. I’m not really sure what I expected, Donald Trump’s lines are probably about as romantic as a Valentine’s card from your mum. Although really the problem wasn’t that his words were outrageous or hurtful, it actually goes a lot deeper than that, in fact, that’s probably the most replies I’ve had all week.

The reason why getting anyone’s number is so difficult is that Trump isn’t actually saying anything; his words are self obsessed, attention seeking sound bites in his desperate attempt to get elected. Everything he says is about him, he doesn’t ask any questions, he doesn’t pay any attention to anyone but himself.

I think it’s clear that the only thing that makes Donald Trump attractive is not what comes out his mouth, but more what comes out of his wallet. Considering that mine is about as empty as his head, I think i’ll stick to ‘you up?’.

Featured image: Michael Vadon