The Edinburgh guide to being basic af

Urban Dictionary defines the ‘Basic Bitch’ as: “Someone who is unflinchingly upholding of the status quo and stereotypes of their gender without even realizing it…She/he is tragically/laughably unaware of her/his utter lack of specialness and intrigue.”

Do you own more than 2 apple products? Can you ‘literally’ not function in the morning without your pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks? Well, it looks as if you’re on your way to becoming a basic bitch already, but to help you on your way, here’s some simple steps to follow.

Lecture Etiquette

If you bring a notebook, you’re a fucking square. A notebook is a clear sign of weakness which will be immediately picked up on by any other basic bitches – they can smell this weakness across a lecture hall and kill at 50 paces.

You can’t check up on all the likes your new, extra cleavage filled profile picture has gotten on a notebook and explain how on earth you’re meant to share cute photos of Pugs on one?!

No if you are to truly blend in and become the basic bitch, a MacBook is the only possible option. If possible it is recommended to bring your iPad and iPhone 6s with you, if you truly want to assert yourself as the alpha you have to be packing more tech than Steve Jobs could shit out.

The Library

“It’s totally like my second home”

The library can be adaunting place to find a seat, but for the basic bitch, the process is actually very easy.

The basic bitch must ascend to the only floor that is high enough for their ego – the fourth floor. We’ve all seen the Yik Yaks, this is where all the super attractive people go to study i.e.  Your natural environment. I mean as if it wasn’t that cute boy with the deep blue eyes who made that obviously aimed Yak at you earlier, what a creep, doesn’t he know you have a boyfriend?

“The Cheeky Smoke”

Of course you’re stressed, there’s just too much pressure for this deadline and being obviously eyed up by everyone in the room does get quite tiring, so you need to go and relax. You could go grab a coffee at the library café, but then again it’s run by our Bourgeois overlords who try and suppress the people by not supplying us with cute red Christmas cups or Gingernut and Almond latte.

Fuck the system.

Instead, grab your friend, head outside, have a smoke and talk about how totally stressed you are and how Daisy has already handed in her essay a week early. Bitch.

sit on this wall to be extra basic

Going out

First things first, you can’t appear to like the Big Cheese publicly at all.

“I hate cheesy music”

“S Club 7, ‘Reach for the Stars’ isn’t an absolute tune”

“As if I even care about the strawpedo ban”

*tear rolls down cheek*

This front must be maintained at all costs, despite the fact that you must go religiously every week.

No, you much prefer to escape to Glasgow ‘for the music’ or perhaps a cheeky night in Opal on Wednesday to winch another big tweed-wearing rugby lad (every girl’s dream). After all, you still haven’t slept with the fullback yet.

Clothes

Finally, if you are to truly be basic, you must take on the very skin they wear. The Edinburgh basic bitch starter pack includes:

Parka (Canada Goose or you can’t sit with us): Normally the basic bitch will hunt down their own goose, kill and pluck it to make their own as is taught by their ancestors, but buying one for £800 is acceptable.

Leggings/joggies: You’re so cosy, super cosy, yet you look good. How do you look this good and remain so comfortable? It’s a mystery. You’re a mystery. Are you going to the gym later? Who knows, leave them wanting more.

Uggs/Nikes: Neither rain nor snow shall penetrate my expensive shoes.

basic as fuck

And if you disagree, then you’re probably a basic bitch already.