The New Years Resolutions every Durham student will make but not keep

The first step to recovery is acceptance

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Russell Brand once said the first step to recovery is acceptance. Yet, even if you aren't an addict, you are in need of recovery after Michaelmas.

So here you are, in the first week of January, accepting that you do need to change so you can focus on the real reason you're at Durham – to get that first class degree.

But perhaps you should really be accepting that you probably, most likely, I mean most definitely aren't going to keep to those resolutions. But at least we're all making the same mistakes eh?

A Wednesday night out will no longer be a motive

You tell yourself that the Thursday morning regret of waking up next to someone, or even being someone, wearing a DU Rugby jacket just isn't worth the hassle.

They probably wear one of these jackets in the day too.

You will stop getting with people in the smoking area of Wiff Waff

It's too public.

It's not hot.

Omg it's happening again.

You will stop 'accidentally' ending up in Flat White

You are going to develop some self control and stop strutting into Flat White every other day. Because you need to sort out your finances and the queue really is not worth it.

Babes, this is what overdrafts are for.

You will stop losing your fancy dress costumes

How many fish outfits did you have to buy last term? TOO MANY. It's about time you stopped spending your money and do what any responsible adult does, be mindful and recycle.

Sorry not sorry, I'm not going to be a goldfish twice.

You will no longer succumb to the Durham street style

The puffer coat feels basic, the flares feel basic, the fleeces feel basic and you just don't want to be basic anymore. You promise to be more outlandish, make yourself stand out from the crowd.

But! Everyone just looks SO good.

You aim to be this edgy but .. it's just not going to happen.

You're not going to judge people over their political views

"I'm not going to judge people for their political opinions. I'm SO over BREXIT now".

"She's Conservative, but it's totally fine. I keep politics and girlfriends separate nowadays".

You're at Durham, you're supposed to be vocal.

Take this as you may.

You will stop drinking. Especially Johnny Woodgates.

A direct quote from a Durham student at the beginning of Epiphany last year: "I'm going to drink less, like, I don't have to be super drunk to have a good time". I am that student. I have not stopped.

But, if you can't be the prettiest you have to be the drunkest … right?

Me, one week into uni.

You will give Mick on the bridge some of your spare change

Mick might not play the best versions of songs you've ever heard, but they're authentic, and sometimes they are music to your ears. You can't really help but feel guilty when he makes your walks to lectures a little bit easier and you don't give him anything.

In reality, you won't have any change to spare, you middle class prick.

You will stop crying over your workload

Nobody cares if you think Durham work is "basically the same as what Oxford and Cambridge students" get. So, you tell yourself it's time to stop crying in public, be less Britney 2007 and more Beyonce 2003.

Good luck.

That sudden moment of realisation that you simply CAN'T DO IT.

You will pay a visit to the Billy B at least twice a week

The Billy B is going to become your friend. A place of solitude, study and safety. In fact, you are going to get into such a routine that you will enjoy that place.

The eerie silence of your first visit will scar you for the rest of term. You simply can't go back.

This is what the Billy B looks like for any Durham students wondering.

You'll stop popping in at the Swan for a quick break in between lectures

Sometimes a cold brew really is all you need though, isn't it.

Epiphany awaits us. A chapter of endless academic opportunities and a time for personal growth and development.

I suspect I'll see you in a few weeks time, mid-Britney breakdown with a bottle of wine and a powerpoint presentation made for pre-drinks to explain exactly why your political views are right.

I mean, try and prove me wrong.