What your college says about you

Every Durham conversation either starts with asking where in Surrey you’re from, or what college you are at.

It’s the most important thing because it completely defines you in every way and you 100 per cent conform to every angle of the stereotypes.

Aidan’s

You’re desperately trying to find something cool, edgy or distinctive about you but there is nothing. You’re aggressively bland and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Castle

Your reaction to #PigGate was that taking a blowie from a pig’s corpse was nothing. They should have seen what you did in your undies during Freshers Week 2013 to be accepted. Your older sibling went to Durham, and you have a point to prove if you’re to nail that banker’s job after graduation.

Chad’s

You get home sick a lot and have never been to Klute. Fortunately, your college is so homely that it even has a conservatory, and therefore its easy to pretend your still in your countryside manor.

Go out, get drunk, make memories etc.

Collingwood

This college is to Durham what Newcastle Uni is to the Russell Group.

You love going out, playing sports – and talking about going out, and playing sports.

You are the most attractive college in Durham, and you can therefore enjoy relative celebrity status during Goldrush, the annual highlight that will then be re-lived constantly for the year to come.

Cuth’s

You’re either a hot gay man, or a hot straight woman gushing over how much you love hot gay men.

Why are you even in this list? Don’t you call yourself a society or something pretentious like that?

Grey

You’re really not as original as you think you are, and you still wear those flower headbands that you bought at Reading 2012.

Your only discernible personality trait is mediocrity. Grey in name, grey in nature.

Hatfield

You are solely responsible for the outbreak of Super Gonorrhoea in the North East. Uni hasn’t matured you, it’s cemented your place from the knob of Sixth Form to the knob of #unay.

Hild Bede

Red trouser wearing, boating blazer, aristocracy. You call people that go to Hatfield ‘new money’ and your 21st was black tie, but everyone wore kilts, in a marquee in your country pile in Kent. Rah.

Jo Bo

The infamous Butler Bubble. You act like all the fun we’re having in our proper colleges is a massive inconvenience to you in order to hide your crippling jealousy, spending your nights out browsing the single aisle of the college mini mart because you forgot to book a taxi a week in advance.

John’s

You have at least three ‘Christian pop’ or ‘Faith’ songs on your Spotify and the first time you got ‘drunk’ was on mulled wine after the carol service.

You don’t go out often, but when you do you damned well go for it.

What’s the risk – you don’t have to worry about getting with someone in your college because the chances of anyone else being out on the same night are next to none, and if you get someone pregnant you can just blame the father above.

Mary’s

Soulless. You wander around college, dazed, with your hair in a high ponytail and no make up, black leggings and Uggs. You miss your horse a lot.

Mildert

Chances are you have a regular DJ slot at one of the Loft nights, and if you don’t then you’ll be there anyway supporting your friends who do. You try to get the balance right between being faux edgy and ironic, but that nos and nudity party tipped you over the edge.

Trev’s

You like Game of Thrones too much and drink weird ales. You should shower more. You’re one of the few Durham students from anywhere near Durham and when you’re immediately chastised for asking “what is Surrey?”

Ustinov

Desperately clinging on to your youth by going to uni in your mid twenties. Get over it, move on, there’s nothing here for you anymore. Stop going on weird Tinder dates with freshers.

John Snow

You know nothing. That’s why you’re in Stockton-on-Tees and not Durham. Get it?

Stephenson

I have absolutely no clue what this says about you. What the fuck is Stephenson?