TabGuide: Avoid Tesco’s awkwardness

ORIEL WELLS guides you through the inevitable trials of the Thursday morning after.

So you pulled in Klute – congratulations! You may be the first one ever. But now you’re standing bleary-eyed in Tesco’s, contemplating if you really want to take the plunge into the murky depths of the Basics, when suddenly you see your lucky victim standing two shelves away. In a place as suffocatingly small as Durham, it’s inevitable that you’re going to bump into those people you’d really rather never see again. You could make a conscious decision to stop drinking so much and doing things you regret, but since that’s never going to happen, here are a few handy tips to try and make sure that unavoidable encounter is as painless as possible.

1) Run away/ hide

The ultimate survival technique, handed down from our ancestors and adapted to suit modern times. A simple turn and sprint to the nearest exit will suffice, but if you’ve found yourself trapped in a dead end then you’re going to have to be a bit more imaginative. Crawling into the shelving may work if you’re bendy, as will wrapping yourself in tin foil and pretending to be part of the display, but for the truly adventurous of you out there I suggest an Indiana Jones style dive for freedom. However, do remember that you are in a supermarket and therefore most of these options are going to make you look like a bit of a dick.

Maybe a bit far

2) Act friendly

There’s no need to be awkward! We’re all adults here, and everyone’s guilty of getting a little frisky when they’ve got a couple of quaddies down them. Let’s be honest though, this option is actually utter bullshit because as much as you might kid yourself into thinking you’re super chilled out and unfazed by these things, there really is no way of having a sober conversation with the person that you dribbled on whilst trying to reach their mouths without feeling an intense convulsion of self-hate and mortification.

There’s no way to live that down

3) Ignore them

Are you really that narcissistic that you think they want to speak to you? Chances are that they too are desperately trying to forget the whole thing, and they too spent the morning after wallowing in a pit of self-loathing and munching on two day old Domino’s pizza. So just keep your head down and keep walking and hopefully they won’t give you any trouble. Unless, of course, they are the kind of pull who think that a bit of drunken fumbling equates to ’till death do us part’, in which case they probably already have a lock of your hair and are making a bee-line for you. Hurriedly refer to option 1, and take the additional precaution of choosing an elongated and untraceable route back to your house.

Warning: results may vary

4) Just shop online

In the days of modern technology, you should really be able to master the art of Tesco delivery. No need to risk bumping in to anyone, this ultimate recluse option fits right into the Durham stereotype and provides you with another way of getting one step closer to a coronary failure. If, on the other hand, you resent paying £3 for delivery (despite happily splashing out on the Grey Goose because it’s totally worth it for the potential profile picture) you can always venture into the wilderness of the market, although you do risk being contaminated by a local. Pros and cons.

The best part is you can do it naked