How to be single on Valentine’s Day
LORCAN TREACY has a few tips to survive the most depressing day for a single pringle.
Every singleton’s been there. You’ve put up with the annual assault of cards, roses and performance enhancers on shop shelves, friends announcing their sickening dinner plans as enthusiastically as if they’d won the fucking lottery, and the endless re-runs of Maid in Manhattan on ITV3. Here at The Tab, we’re sympathetic to your underlying intimacy issues, and have gone to the effort of suggesting a few ways to briefly forget that nobody likes you. You’re welcome.
Go out with the lads
With Nova returning this Friday at least you can hide your loneliness by clubbing together with your other lonely mates. Of course, this is assuming that all your friends haven’t been whisked away by their selfish other halves.
Drink away the loneliness
Particularly attractive for the ‘lone wolves’ amongst us, sinking a Stella, or seven, in a darkened room can seem like a good way to dodge all your lingering insecurities. However, you’ll only find despair and a world of awkward drunken texts at the bottom of the bottle.
Watch The Notebook
Fairly self-explanatory. If you need anything more, there’s a whole host of cracking romantic dramas to get stuck into to help prolong your forlorn dreams of finding love, ranging from Titanic to Bridget Jones’ Diary. Getting a large Dominos Double-Decadence to help stomach your many failures is definitely recommended. You can nearly smell the shame. Oily, fatty, meaty shame.
Enjoy your own company
I’ll leave this one to you readers, but it puts a whole new spin on ‘letting out’ your frustrations. Check that your housemates all have dates first.
Reignite old flames
It might not have ended well, but Valentine’s day offers the chance of a new start. Embrace the solitude together with someone you never really liked that much and who was definitely way more into you than the other way around, regardless of what people say.
Facetime your mother
Your friends might all be at Cellar Door, and no one is returning your calls, but there’s always someone keen to talk to you, who still actually misses you. The added surprise that you’re not just asking for more money or a flight to the Balearics guarantees that you’ll be bringing joy to at least one person this Valentine’s.
By now the reality should have dawned upon you; you’re ugly, nobody likes you and you’re condemned to a life of isolation. Not even your own mother wants to speak to you. Crying might garner some attention, but only for a short while, and then all you have to do is count down the hours until the day is finally over.
Well, there’s always next year.