How to NOT be a basic bitch on Halloween

Because nothing’s scarier than a fashion disaster…

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It's nearly Halloween, and I'm absolutely shitting myself.

Saying I'm not good with horror films is a bit of an understatement when I count 'Jurassic World' as one of the scariest movies ever made. But that's not why I'm frightened. The real monster here is way more terrifying than Michael Myers or Pennywise the Clown: it's the basic bitch.

Actual footage of me watching the mess unfold on October 31st.

You know the sort of person I'm talking about. They wander around with a bedsheet over their head or 'blood' slapped all over their face, saying "boo", thinking they look "spooky".

And if you can't think of anyone, that means it's probably you.

But don't panic – things don't need to be quite so scary. Here's how to avoid the horrors of basic bitchness and get Halloween right.

Less is NEVER more

I can guarantee that someone out there, even after reading this, will still think it's OK to poke two holes in their bedsheet and call themselves a ghost.

This is the dictionary definition of B-A-S-I-C. If you do this, I will find you, and I will haunt you. For real.

Throwing a few extras on top of your usual outfit will hardly do the trick (unless you look that hideous everyday anyway). Devil horns on top of your hair? Groundbreaking. 'Sexy' cat whiskers painted on your face? Gurl, nobody wants to see that again.

PS. Before any of my fellow queens try it, Halloween does NOT mean wearing a leather harness and bunny ears in Glitterbomb, thank you very much. It's been done before, and done better. And it doesn't make you any more of a Dom Top either.

Put some effort in

What you need to do is get creative and think outside the box. Splashing cash isn't the aim here (and who has any left by Week 4 anyway?). Raid your friend's wardrobes and see what you can use. If not, charity shops, Groupon, Etsy and Depop are sure-fire ways of making it pop.

Or if you're really strapped for cash, just be meta AF and dress as the fountain-of-all-evils which left you this fucked in the first place: the Student Loans Company.


A pop culture reference can be great, but nothing's worse than trying to compliment someone's outfit when you've got no clue what they're dressed as. A bit of added flair will make your costume stand out so long as you nail all the details first. Know your facts.

Test out your look

Words can't describe the absolute mare of realising your costume doesn't work 20 minutes before you're meant to be going out. Why didn't I try it on before, you ask. If only I'd practiced this eye make-up, you despair. Now I've stuck holes in my bedsheet what will I sleep on, I don't hear anyone wonder. You get the idea.

Preparation is key. There's no excuse for getting a new pair of shoes only to discover they're two sizes too small and are literally crushing the life out of your feet. We're talking planning here people. Get thinking weeks, even months in advance if you need.

And finally… OWN it

You've got the goods, now it's time to sell it to the people. If you've ever wondered why Gigi Hadid can make the shittiest piece of fabric look like a million dollars, it's because she knows how to WERK it. She's got the walk, she's got the posture, and most of all, she's always ready for the cameras.

Your look is fire, so expect to get papped. After all, no-one will want to forget just how stunningly terrifying you are. Make sure to practice your most Vogue-worthy poses and smile for your adoring public.

Be ready to embrace your inner Naomi Campbell at a moment's notice.

Follow these rules and your Halloween look this year will go down in history.

If not, do us all a favour and just stay in.