How to be a bitch in Cambridge

Everyone has heard of this creature known as ‘the bitch’. She is self-obsessed, attention-seeking, mean and manipulative. She is also a myth.

The real bitch is you – yes, you, my dear reader – but if you aren’t a bitch now, then hopefully you will be by the end of this article.

In reality, the qualities we so often call bitchy are actually signs of strength. We should all aspire to be bitches. And even though ‘bitch’ is a word usually directed at women, bitchiness knows no gender. That’s right, anyone can learn to be a bitch, so get your pens, paper and resting-bitch-faces at the ready to take notes.

Step 1: Speak your mind

It’s a shame that so often the only time we can really say what we mean is when we’re drunk, or menstruating.

Vodka-or-vagina-influenced-you wouldn’t be afraid to get emotional. Vodka-or-vagina-influenced-you wouldn’t hesitate to speak her mind. She would be assertive in supervisions, and opinionated in essays – albeit, if vodka-influenced, perhaps with a bit less clarity. (Please don’t take your exams drunk because of me).

I like vodka-or-vagina-influenced-you. Be more like vodka-or-vagina-influenced-you.

The silent judgement before the storm when the wine bottles are opened.

Step 2: Be bossy

Don’t be afraid to take command. Of course no one likes an overbearing control freak, but nobody should be called bossy just for getting the job done.

Look to the wise words of the timeless classic, The Devil Wears Prada: “Okay, she’s tough, but if Miranda were a man no one would notice anything about her except how great she is at her job”.

Step 3: Don’t apologise

I don’t mean you shouldn’t apologise if you’ve genuinely done something wrong. Unfortunately, though, for so many of us the word ‘sorry’ litters our daily vocabularies.

“Sorry” for disagreeing with your supervision partner. “Sorry” when someone shoves you in a club. “Sorry” for pointing out someone else’s dishes are attracting ants.

When it gets this frequent, what you’re actually apologising for is simply existing, for taking up a bit of space on the planet. Don’t. This is your space. You’ve earned it. Own it.

Do I get points for edginess if my judgement is on film?

Step 4: Feel pretty

Caring about your appearance doesn’t make you fake, so wear whatever makes you feel good! Lectures can be your catwalk, or just an extension of your lie in. (I cringed writing that but I mean it).

Hide behind a hoodie if it makes you feel comfortable, or wear your favourite outfit and a face of makeup if you fancy a confidence boost. You can be stressed, depressed, but still impeccably dressed.

Cara Delevingne who? #model #blessed

Step 5: Use your womanly wiles

You know what never gets old? Slut-shaming.

You shouldn’t have to feel ashamed for being in control of your sexuality, though. Whether you don’t have sex once at uni or you can’t leave Cindies without a stranger to keep your bed warm (saves on heating bills at least), your sex life is your business.

Step 6: Go after what you want

To round things off in a Disney ending, have ambitions, and don’t hold back in going after them. Settle down in Cornwall to have four kids and a labrador, move your way up the ranks of a male-dominated career, marry a rich old alumnus and murder him for his money – whatever your aspirations, they are valid!

You don't have to build a collection of skirt suits and develop a squeamishness towards children to be a better feminist. What matters is you being able to choose what's best for you.

Take this as a manifesto for The Periodical’s philosophy. Now whether it’s in supervisions, social situations or Sainsbury’s, go forth, and be a bitch. I’ll see you next Monday.