Why the strike is the best thing to ever happen

Dystopian Britain has ventured even further by messing with our education once again. They're screwed over our academics, and thus, the revolutionary UCU strike was born.

Now, the distant wail of the Natscis will have you believe that the UCU strike is purely satanic. But this is because they fear a time-table of solid anarchy, and they're Stockholm Syndrome is so deep that they have started begging for their 9AMs back.

But for us ‘Arts’ students at least, this strike is the best thing that has ever happened to us.

In a world of Trump, Brexit and the slow but steep price incline of Freddos, we have to revel in the occasional good news.

We finally have an excuse for missing lectures, being M.I.A from your faculty and being emancipated from our library fines. And the excuse is pure social justice!!

How I sleep knowing my 9AMs are extinct.

Whilst the science kids are stressing out about being FOMO from practicals and seminars, we are comforted by the knowledge that we haven’t sat through a power-point since the days of AS Levels.

And when the Mathmos moan about the moral dilemma of crossing the picket-line, we can sit back and relax, as we know that we haven’t been to Sidgwick since circa 2015 anyway.

The beauty is that we can finally sleep in, without the guilt.

RED, the blood of angry [wo]men!

We now have a legit moral and political cause for our laziness.

There will be some who question your fervour…

‘Rach, why haven’t you changed out of your pyjamas in 6 days?’

‘Why haven’t you left college in 2 weeks?’

‘Are you even a part of the UCU?’

‘Why is there a picket-line around your bedroom?’

= And to each of these questions, you heartily respond – ‘I'm on strike.’

The faculties are striking, the academics are striking, naturally, you are too.

Fight the powaaaaa

And how exactly are you contributing to this worthwhile cause, I hear you all ask.

We all know that the very first steps of the revolution is not storming Bastille, assassinating the leader, or marching on the capital, but executing a radical temporary profile picture change.

Not only does this renew the hype around your glorious photo, it’s a chance to garner some virtual self-validation whilst gaining the street cred of being a seditious rebel!

The academics have even flirted with the idea that Easter exams might be cancelled! In what parallel universe is this not the most thrilling thought ever?

‘Do you hear the people sing?’ – I can practically smell the barricade!

It's the year for revolutions people!

Meanwhile, the show must go on.

You’ve watched enough Billy Elliot to know that you ain’t no ‘scab’. Like a fellow proletariat, you know not to cross the picket lines to the libraries.

But since the strike isn’t on the weekends, there is a serious scramble to the UL on a Saturday to finally collect the books you’ve been needing all week. Think The Hunger Games. Forget School Sports Day, Varsity Blues, and the Olympics, this is the truest test of human stamina.

With your transparent plastic bag in one hand, and your book codes tattooed onto your wrists, you are ready to enter the phallic fortress. The race is on. You bitterly stare down the competition. You even engage in some trash talk, shouting expletives like ‘you’re slower than loading up iDiscover on Eduroam!’

And then you politely each take turns going through the revolving doors.

Strike tip 4: go get brunch, you deserve it!

And now you are in search of some new work environments. You scout out the most suitable spots, the prime factor being which overpriced coffee shop will bring you the most Crushbridges that you need and deserve; you set up shop in Waterstones. And like the champagne socialist that you are, you knock back countless apple&mint teas at £6.70 a pot, because the revolution is storming ahead.

Next, you email your supervisor to say you can’t complete your essay or that you don’t feel well enough to attend the supo, and you are met with an automatic vacation response!! You’re either in the world’s worst Catch 22 – or the best situation of your life. Try and see it as the latter. They can’t respond to berate you, so you’re free! Spread your revolutionary wings and fly, fly away!

Your supervisor was once your enemy, but now you're comrades! They will definitely remember your solidarity the next time you hand in a half-baked essay plan at 6:42 AM, approximately two hours before the supo begins.

And what will you do with all this spare time, I hear you cry.

Maybe start knitting, join the railway appreciation society, slow cook a coque au vin, paint a mural. YOLO a little. Cambridge is now your Oyster, start exploring the land outside of faculty sites.

And now the rest of Lent is essentially a permanent snow day!

School's out kiddos!!

And it’s also legit snowing. Pathetic fallacy is real.

The strike has nature on it’s side, its a Chanukah Miracle!!