The top 7 ‘classiest’ things to do in a gown.

Have you felt that sense of anticlimax when, having dressed up in a classy and distinguished manner for a formal hall, it all comes to an end at 9.30pm? In all likelihood, your promises to drink – at most – half of your bottle of wine (so that you can save money and save face in front of the fellows) have fallen through.

The art of pennying and the sweet-smelling, siren-like Pinot Grigio staring you down from across the table have corrupted you yet again so that you are nicely inebriated. Here come the questions. Should we go to Cindies? Should we hit Life? Or, even more tragic (it feels to you at the time): should I simply go to bed? Well, query no more!!!!! The Tab has compiled a tried-and-tested list of the seven classiest* things that you can do on a post-formal rampage in central Cambridge.

The roadwork aesthetic – the hot new trend of 2018

1. Steal a traffic cone

This is the sort of thing that catches the Daily Mail's attention. Students drunkenly messing with public works? That happens every day. Gown-clad Cambridge students frolicking with a traffic cone? Now, this can cause a ruckus. Therefore, it is at the top of the list. Add a dash of archaicism to your drunken Uni escapades #doitfortheinsta

Nando's lights up the darkness, shining like a halo

2. Cheeky Nando's

Let's be honest; who actually goes to formal for the food? Even if you've had a starter, soup, main, dessert, and cheese course (shoutout to Catz), sometimes a trip to Nando's is a necessity. What better way to irritate the local Cambridge residents and reinforce the Cantab stereotype? You'll be 'XX hot' in more ways than one.

Any attempt at subtlety is fruitless

3. Hit up 'Spoons

All of this gallivanting is thirsty work. What could be better than splitting the 2 for £12 cocktail deal in (what was until last summer) the biggest Whetherspoons in the UK? Ideally, attend a Saturday 'Dangerspoons' – sweaty gown dancing is the purest form of art.

Renaissance sculptures or Cambridge first years? It's hard to tell.

4. Scale a postbox

Combining strength, ingenuity, and sheer willpower, mounting a postbox is a fun and photo-worthy adventure for you and your gown. Not only does it make you feel like you've burned off the multitude of calories consumed at formal hall, it also helps you to see Cambridge from new heights. 10/10 would recommend.

Who needs to be extra when you can be basic?

5. Mainsbury's shop

This is a fun gown outing, be it pre or post formal. The Sidney Street Sainsbury's workers must be accustomed to the sight of frantic students, in full suit and tie, their gown billowing behind them like a superho cape as they sprint to the alcohol aisle to pick up their last minute bottle for formal. This is also a fun stop after the formal, however, to pick up bev for pres or simply to continue the alcoholic fun into the evening. Basically (ha. Sainsbury's basics), gown-shopping at Mainsbury's is fun at any time and in any situation.

The epitome of binned.

6. Get in the bin

As an homage to the Trumpington street bin busker, I decided to try my hand at residing in the bin. Though it requires a stealthy and decidedly ungraceful maneouvre to get in and out (definitely bring friends to weigh the bin down for that), it is surprisingly comfortable and I did not emerge with a smell – multiple sources have confirmed this. Even if you do this purely to say that you've been 'binned in a bin', it is 100% worth it.

Who knew a trailer could fill someone with such joy?

7. Van of Life

The ideal finale to any evening, it would be remiss of me not to include a trip to the Van of Life in this list. Perhaps the only establishment in this compilation that will not judge you for drunkenly meandering the streets of Cambridge in a gown that only you think is cool, the Van of Life is like the patron saint of a big night out. As if you haven't already consumed enough on this wild trip, some chips or nugs are an absolute must. Ending the evening in this way will help you sleep content and warm.

I must remind you that, in a gown, you ought to maintain the great and distinguished reputation of the University of Cambridge. So, while you are in the bin, atop the postbox, or drinking in the street, make sure that you do so with decorum and class…

*this is said with the utmost irony