The 10 best places to cry after your mocks
1038th breakdown of the week? We’ve got your back.
If you've been unfortunate enough to have spent the entirety of Christmas being bombarded by your DoS with threatening emails to "take mock's seriously" and plagued by revision (read: teaching yourself all the stuff you should've done in Michaelmas), you'll be horrified to discover that, lo and behold, the best breakdowns are yet to come.
Three hours of utter hell, confusion and existential crisis later, you're free from all but the wrath of your DoS.
As you look back at the apocalyptic wasteland that are your mocks, all you'll want to do is to curl up somewhere and shed a tear for the impending doom that you are yet to face. Maybe you just want to lament the pain you've suffered for the last few weeks with final bit of blubbing. Either way, there's no way you're going for that mandatory post-mock cathartic cry – so we've got your back and have put together a v. helpful guide.
1. Your room
Private, homely-ish: you can walk there via your gyp and give off the impression that you completely aced the exam to your prying flatmates, only to then scuttle into your dimly lit room and collapse in a heap on your bed, preferably accompanied by some sad tunes (Adele is optimal for maximising self-pity).
2. Your DoS's office
Yes, you told yourself all term that "tears are a sign of weakness" but even the strongest crumble! And who knows, beneath that stony, unforgiving exterior may be an actual human that will take pity on you in the midst of your despair and hold out a hand to your stressed and exhausted soul. Dream scenario: decades of being pent up in that academic ivory tour has meant that your DoS and you want exactly the same thing: a pat on the head. You form a mini support group.
3. The UL Basement
Far, far away from civilisation with no one to hear your sobs, the UL basement offers a safe and secluded space to weep over your revision notes with no company except that postgrad in the corner who is so engrossed in his work that he can't even hear you. Why is he so on it? That should be you! Why is he so perfect? Oh dear, here they come again… *sob*.
4. The club
With a VK in one hand and supportive friend who is desperately consoling you to stop crying amidst Now 21 throwbacks in the other, the club is actually a perfect place for consolation and pity from the sea of other intoxicated Cantabs.
5. The buttery
"Do you want veg with that?"
"No… I just want to *sob* not flunk my mocks".
If it's college-wide sympathy you're looking for this is the place for you. You may even get a crushbridge out of it.
6. The Van of Life/Gardi's
Cheesy chips are objectively one of the best comfort foods. Plus, the Gardi's staff are well-known for their generosity so if you're lucky they will take pity on you and offer that sad specimen in the corner some free dip. Result mate.
If you're going for that "intellectual but troubled" approach and are looking to escape the judging eyes of your peers, look no further. Simply don your table with a stack of many barrelled titled books and maybe a laptop to collapse behind and go to town.
There is no better time or place to make a public exhibition of your sorrows than whilst your lecturer is praising those elite few who actually did well in mocks. You won't be the only one with a tear dripping down your cheek onto the lecture notes.
9. Porter's Lodge
The porters provide a unfailingly maternal presence. They've had many generations of despairing students walk through their doors and so probably have the most experience out of anyone to deal with your breakdowns. Not all heroes wear capes.
10. The club queue
You'd honestly be amazed at how much support and kindness can come from the other members of the club queue. Weeping into the arms of a complete stranger is a fool-proof way to gain a lot of friends (or people that you can proceed to awkwardly bump into in the bagel section at Sains).
At the end of the day, mocks = pointless and everyone does shit anyway. Don't worry lads, it will all be grand in the end.