A Lesson for My Past Self: Sex is Psychological

Sex involves mind, body and soul

Cambridge Cantab Oxbridge Sex sex column Sexuality

Sex is about bodies, no doubt, but it is also, at risk of sounding a bit like a guru ‘the mind’. Some famous sex psychologist (whose name escapes me) once said that foreplay starts about 24 hours before you have sex. That is to say that how you woke up that morning, what you had for breakfast, how good your supervision feedback was: they all effect how much you much you’ll enjoy sex. By its very nature, sex is an intimate business: it involves being physically, emotionally and psychologically vulnerable and, you know what, sometimes you’re just not in the right place for that. Although sex can be a great escape mechanism and stress reliever and a good orgasm always does the world of good, oxytocin and all, there is something to be said for being in the right state of mind to shag someone. Sometimes just a good wank does the trick. What I am trying to say is that sex can be bad when you’re not feeling it and there are lots of factors that can affect how enjoyable you find sex (or your partner is finding it) and it usually has little to do with ‘skill’.

Indulge in a bit of "self love" (@alphachanneling)


Being in the midst of an essay crisis, or behind on reading, or bogged down with whatever it is that science students do, does affect your sex life and your libido. Sometimes all you want to do it stop working and have a fantastic shag and other times the thought of taking all your clothes off just seems like a waste of your precious time. Sex is time consuming after all, and feeling rushed definitely isn’t an aphrodisiac- it can make sex feel forced and then it's not fun for anyone. The same can be said for your partner being a bit disinterested in doing the deed- it's not that they don't fancy you you sexy thing, it might just be that they’re busy worrying about that essay on medieval literature. It really is within anyone’s right to just not be in the mood! Sex without enthusiasm is problematic regarding consent , not to metion not as fun. So keep in mind that stress can put a dampener on things and its just a natural facet of the human mind!

Image may contain: Pants, Jeans, Denim, Clothing, Person, People, Human

Those essay deadlines can take a toll on libido

Body confidence

I personally did not have that much sexual experience before university, and whilst this fact bothered me a lot at school, in hindsight I was very lucky to have been in a very positive state of mind concerning my body and self-esteem when I starting having regular sex. For everyone, getting naked and intimate with someone else can be a daunting prospect, especially if you haven’t done it before. More than that, letting someone else explore your body is not a comfortable experience if you’re already unsure of your own relationship with it. Sex should be about getting pleasure and giving pleasure but worrying about the cellulite on my thighs is something I am so grateful I no longer find myself doing. Sex can be empowering and improve your body confidence but it can also exacerbate ‘issues’ you have with your body. Sex is not the solution, but a foundational respect and even appreciation for your own body does absolute wonders for your enjoyment of sex (not to mention your partner’s – rating yourself is pretty sexy).

Image may contain: Drawing, Art

Who doesn't love cellulite and tan lines

It's not all about skill

Of course, good sex can be down to pure ‘skill’, maybe you have a gift for giving blowjobs or the most imaginative and mind-blowing fingering techniques up your sleeve (so to speak), but great sex can only really be achieved when you are both feeling it. When you’re in a good place psychologically i.e not weighed down by stress or plagued by body confidence issues, that is when you can really enjoy yourself. If having great sex isn’t reason enough to preserve your mental health at Cambridge, I don’t know what is!

Love Your Future Sexy Self

Ava Gina X X X