News Column: Moody Magdalene, Laundry Lamentations and CUSU Conundrums

Spicy Summary

The sun went weirdly red Monday, leading to some Cantabs predicting the rapture. Sadly life has gone on, and your essay still needs submitting.

Former Union President Tim Squirrell admitted to not banning a speaker who sexually harassed a committee member, while also revealing such cases were common. Whether it's the media storm over Weinstein or just an epiphanic revelation that caused Squirrell's truthful moment, we don't know, but best get it sorted, ey Union?

Speaking of the Union, Anthony Scaramucci rocked up at the Union to dispense wisdom on how to get fired in just one week. In a bizarre turn of events, the Cambridge News ran a story on some fairly tasty language used by the Mooch in reference to Union President, Page Nyame-Satterthwaite, only to later be proved false by the Union's video recording. Fake News! Sad!

The government announced it was going to clamp down on no platforming and safe spaces, with a new raft of legislation aimed at reinforcing free speech in Universities. Any naysayers will be denied…

Now, onto the gossip.

Laundry Lamentations

Though Emma has finally got their laundry situation sorted out and are back to the good old days of having their laundry done for them like spoiled children, other colleges have not been quite so lucky.

'PRIVATE PROPERTY'

Now all the freshers have finally settled into their lives at Cambridge, the time has come for asserting dominance, but it seems this Pembroke fresher has picked the wrong battle to fight, being weirdly defensive of their collapsable laundry basket. What truly makes it effective is the highlighter, emphasising the ever so eloquent declaration "Don't be a dick".

Magdelene students get a bollocking

According to students at Magdalene, the students at college received what one witness described as "a bollocking" after a fall in their position in the Tompkins Table.

Not only this, but it seems Magdalene are really desperate to climb the Tompkins ladder: in a magazine from Magdalene sent to college alumni, their second year cohort were described as "weak" and "less-than stellar". Seems that the campaign to get rid of class lists might have been onto something when they said they fostered a hostile environment of unhealthy competition.

Brutal

Recumbent Dean suffers recumbent robbery

Students were shocked to receive an email from the Pembroke College Dean, James Gardom, regarding the theft of his recumbent bicycle from outside the Co-Op.

Now, if you're a normal human being, the word 'recumbent' probably doesn't mean much to you. Thankfully the Dean also provided a photo of the strange apparatus to answer all queries.

Just… what?

Fortunately, the bike was later found just 400 metres away from scene of the robbery, presumably because nobody has a fucking clue how to ride one of those.

Remember kids, although locks may provide a handy stop gap for bike safety, nothing works quite as well as having a bike that requires an instructional YouTube video. Stay recumbent, Cambridge.

CUSU deals with the real, hard-hitting problems

It seems CUSU have forgotten that, as a student union, they should probably post something worthwhile that isn't advertising material. Maybe it says something about the sorry state of CUSU's finances that all of their last posts on the Facebook page have been adverts. In their defence, at least they are somewhat diverse, including notices for burger shops, and a plethora of consulting firms. Keep maintaining that integrity CUSU, good to see you're doing something for students…

The Real Problems

Quote of the Week: "I'm really sad that people don't get what a big deal I am." Quel dommage, hun.

Join us next week for more spicy gossip, and remember you can submit any information to Tab Tips.