The News Roundup Week 2: Contactless cards and College Cats

Welcome back to week 2 of the News Column, apparently so beloved that other student Journos are following suit.

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Salty Summary:

Cambridge is considering changing the tripos system so that (shock!) a degree from Cambridge is structured the same as one from literally every other university in the country. This is bad news for those that are going to try and convince employers that your 2:I in 2nd year makes up for a 3rd as a finalist. It would also mean the first 2/3rds of your degree would actually contribute to the final grade, which some are more happy about than others.

In this week’s episode of ‘things CUSU does that nobody really cares about’, our beloved Students Union has voted to boycott the national student satisfaction survey. The decision was made as a protest against the future imposition of the Teaching Excellence Framework, which could increase tuition fees in the future. Some suspect that CUSU are really just conspiring to increase their chances of winning free IPads..

In other college news, students at Clare are in mourning for their 70-year-old Cherry Tree, removed because it was infected with a rare fungus. Some students were more hopeful than others, with one suggesting this at least means fewer tourists will walk around taking photos.

Cashless Cambridge:

Easily the biggest news story of the week, Townies and Gownies alike are rejoicing across the City of Cambridge at the advent of contactless payment systems in Sainsbury’s. We have no idea what took them so long and thought there must have been some cash-centric conspiracy preventing it. We intend on having a party to celebrate, so long as no one spends over £30 on drinks.

Hallelujah, Cambridge is modernising

Lettuce Entertain You:
The annual general meeting of the university Lettuce club gave all involved an opportunity to toss their best salad puns around. The committee were apparently worried that no one would turnip to the meeting, but it was a resounding success, with some 100 people coming.

The question of who would be the next President was decided by a race between two candidates to see who could eat a whole head of lettuce fastest. The current Present romaines in power, but we strongly believe that they should replace the role of president entirely with Caesar instead.

We’re unsure as to the health benefits of eating a whole head of lettuce


2nd year history students apparently had a mass meltdown over submission deadlines for their Themes and Sources paper on Friday. The online submission platform was apparently meant to be open from 1am to submit, but it wasn’t actually open it til 9. The history admin team apparently received hundreds of panicked and angry emails from terrified students. Nice to know that everyone keeps calm when there’s a bit of a mix-up.

Talk about horrible histories

Savage Signage

It seems that not all of the history fac has such communications issues, as some new signs giving superbly sarcastic advice have popped up around the building. A personal favourite was the sign mocking students for smoking to enhance their “street cred”, while slamming smoking itself as “at best an antisocial recreational activity that is increasingly shunned by modern society”. Harsh, but fair.

Other posters created a rather ruthless critique of the History Fac building itself: the signs suggest that the corridors were “designed to accommodate a generation of students growth-stunted from the effects of post-war rationing”. Another sign went on to suggest that the building was the place where the architect, James Stirling, “decided to make most of his mistakes”. We wholeheartedly agree with this criticism, as do most students who are unlucky enough to have to use the History fac: simultaneously very cramped and spectacularly ugly.

Note the kind offer of umbrellas if it’s “pissing it down with rain”

Not everything is terrible:
Jack Renshaw is looking to try and get Sidney Sussex a college cat – the creature would presumably have to live with the master of College, unless they had some kind of ownership rota amongst students. A nice idea to be sure, although the President of Queens’ owns a cat, and the most students ever manage is a glimpse of it running away.

Homerton’s JCR are lobbying for a chance to have a Roller-Disco themed bop. Whilst the details are yet to be fleshed out, the combination of alcohol and roller-skates are undoubtedly a recipe for success. We wish the Hom JCR the best of luck with health and safety negotiations.

We don’t imagine most students would even be able to stand up.

That’s all for this week – submissions for other lettuce puns will be accepted and ranked, this is just the tip of the iceberg.