The reasons why all sheep must die

A victim of sheep-based assault speaks out about why the countryside killers must be made extinct.

Last Monday I was very kindly invited to take a break from revision  with a trip to Bedfordshire to tackle some sheep so that they may be shorn. Ewe would not believe how vicious sheep can be.

Fun Fact: Sheep have a secret “torpedo” mode.

The first sheep was caught with no problem and after we stripped the beast of its wool, it was released. Apparently there is no real technique to removing their wool, it’s done through “shear force alone”.

The second sheep was slightly more problematic and, after landing on my arse, I found that my shoulder was no longer in its socket. After popping it back in, and the second sheep was shorn, we moved onto the third.

The second sheep was a warning shot, as when I went to catch the third sheep we mutually headbutted each other (okay it was more him than me), and after a loud crack I was knocked out. I woke up holding a different sheep with my nose, lip, and eyebrow bleeding. My sheep-catching day was over.

I didn’t think of the possible ramifications.

Clearly, the only lesson to be learnt from the day was that all sheep must die.

Now, you may be wondering, “Robert, are you trying to wrangle a Tab piece out of this story by taking an extreme view on something as mundane as sheep because your editors told you to write something, or do you actually have a serious point?”

I’m not going to lie to you, it’s mostly the first reason but fuck it, let’s have a go at making this a debate because what else are you going to do other than read this? Revise? Ha.

Let’s start with a very obvious reason for keeping sheep alive; they taste good. We must ask ourselves though, “is there any better reason to mass-breed many millions of animals in typically unsatisfactory conditions of living other than because they taste good, even though we could be vegetarian?” No. Fuck your vegetarianism.

We also need sheep as they provide a strong base income for many people involved in the fairground industry. The documentary “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” made it well-known that candy floss is  shorn from certain sheep. Many communities rely on this income so by killing all sheep, we would be condemning a minority that would be hit just as hard as the miners of Thatcher’s era, and that’s just not “fair”.

If you hear the government saying that it’s made from sugar, they’re just trying to pull the wool over your eyes – wake up sheeple!

Furthermore, we should not kill all sheep as the cornerstone of any child’s education in this country is to be taught the noises of farmyard animals. If we were to kill all sheep and no longer taught them to make gurgled noises similar to “baa”, where would we stop? Would we no longer teach them about the cow’s “moo”, the chicken’s “cluck”, or the pig’s “Please no Mr Cameron”?

Our nurseries would be left with empty syllabi. Presumably some liberals would then want to teach something “useful” like life skills, consent, or compassion instead. Bloody liberals.

If none of the previous reasons have convinced you, then surely you would be swayed by knowing that if we were to kill all sheep, we would be making a man called “Dave”, who is in charge of “sheep studies” at the University of Wisconsin, redundant- Yes, apparently that is a job.

Here we see the mighty Cantab in his natural environment, pouncing on an unsuspecting sheep.

On the other hand, we should kill all sheep as New Zealand ruminant livestock contribute nearly 1/3 of the country’s greenhouse gas emissions. Our cars, aeroplanes, and coal power stations pump out many gigatonnes of CO2 per year, and we are clearly need to reduce the rate of global warming. Slaughtering all of the sheep seems much easier than inventing a renewable energy source.

Please note, I do not believe English sheep to be any better than New Zealand sheep, and that all sheep, regardless of nationality, must die. I’m not a ch-ovine-ist after all.

The most important reason to kill all sheep, however, is because I was attacked by a few. Due to this experience I’m entitled to make a sweeping judgement about all sheep, and believe they should all be punished. Because hey, that’s how most of history has worked due to white males, right?

In summary, I don’t actually care too much about whether or not my campaign #SheepMustSleep gains much ground in Cambridge, or across the nation. I won my particular battle with sheep, and if we decide to keep rearing sheep for food, or eat them to extinction, I’m happy as long as my Sunday roast doesn’t suffer.

If anyone has suffered sheep-related assaults, please do not hesitate to write to me. I can understand the stress of the PTSD from when you can’t sleep, and everyone is simply telling you to count sheep.