OPERATION SUCK UP: University to launch £2 billion cash grab this weekend – and Prince Willy will be on hand to help

The tagline is: “Dear World … Yours, Cambridge”


The campaign kicks off with a Gala Dinner at Trinity – where the university will be wining and dining the world’s elite in the hope of increasing its already enormous endowment.

  • The campaign will be accompanied by the worst catchphrase in the history of university fundraising
  • University to fundraise towards its £2 BILLION target, having already raised more than £525 million
  • Trinity to host a VIP event on backs starting at 8.15 pm
  • It is believed Prince William – a Cambridge alumnus himself – will be attending

These efforts are part of an attempt to raise more money towards Cambridge’s endowment.

The event on Sunday will be attended by wealthy donors. In an attempt to woo them, the University has gathered an army of students to schmooze it up with donors throughout the night. One student volunteer told the Tab there are “about 250” who will be tasked with escorting wealthy donors as the university charms them at its Gala Dinner. Some students are being paid.

It’s the guy in the corner, if you’re wondering.

The University is pulling out all stops to impress the attendees: there will be a choir,  as well as instrumentals. They’ve also engaged the Cambridge Impronauts to prove that we can actually be entertaining.

Trinity getting ready for the obscenely rich to grace its Scholars’ Lawn.

The event has the heir to the throne’s stamp of approval: a senior Tab journalist heard a university official talk this Thursday of plans to bring Prince Willy to the Saturday event. He was seen doing the rounds at St John’s College as students clamoured to get a selfie with him in the background.

Calm down, kids.

There are also rumours that there will be a massive fundraiser in King’s Chapel. A source tells us that all attendees will at least have donated a six-figure sum to the university – with the privilege of listening to speeches by Stephen Hawking, David Attenborough and Ian McKellen as their reward.

Alumni and Development Office being all mysterious. Wonder why.

The campaign is intended to expand the university’s influence – with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s research already flagged up as areas that will benefit from the fundraising drive. The Alumni and Development Office says they’ve already secured donations from 5000 people.

The Vice Chancellor says he wants “to see Cambridge rise to the world’s many challenges in energy, food, healthcare, education, and inequality”.

One of the Co-Chairs of the campaign served as Deputy Director of the International Monetary Fund and the other is a business executive worth £100 million.

Keep an eye out for wealthy and famous alumni this weekend – you might be lucky.