Lies you tell yourself during exams

Blissful ignorance is life.

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Free yourself from the lies.

Exam term is a term of lying; other people do it, but more often than not we end up lying to ourselves, to protect us from the realities of Cambridge. Here are some of the common things that you will most likely repeat to yourself as a mantra to make you feel a bit better about life.

“First year doesn’t matter”

I’m sorry, it does. If you fail First year, you get chucked out. If you get chucked out you have no job, will become homeless and have to go and become a nun so you can live in a convent. Even worse, you may have to move back in with your parents.

“I’m too busy revising to do washing”.

It’s a toss up as to what’s worse, yet most people use exam term as an excuse to live in a swamp and let socks and knickers fester in a pile in the corner. Shrek could do better guys…

That Feng Shui though


“I don’t need to excersize. The brain uses 20% of the body’s calories”.

Working will not in any way shape or form give you a beach body for summer. You’re probably currently more like a beached whale, under the illusion that you resemble a dolphin.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

“If I write this essay I am allowed a biscuit.”

Not going to happen. Ever. The Cookie Monster has more inhibitions than a student and a packet of Hobnobs.

“I am being healthy”.

Aka. I now know the dominoes number off by heart, and have become best mates with Dave the delivery man (he gives me free dough balls!). We will probably all die from coronary heart disease in a year or so, but hey, who can resist a double stuffed crust during a time of despair?

No one.

“Don’t worry. It will all be ok. “

You are unprepared, useless and will most probably fail life, the universe and everything. Starting with exams. Do worry. Worry a lot.

“I can’t procrastinate”. Bullshit.

Always at your service.

“I work better in my room than library.”

No you don’t, but in your room there’s tea, Game of Thrones and you need not get out of bed or change from your pyjamas. If you have to pretend to be productive, you may as well just become a lettuce and veg out in style.

Dreaming about revision doesn’t constitute revision.

“I’m working harder than everyone else”.

Anywhere else, yes. But… Cambridge. Work is what people do and it’s in the job description. Everyone else is stuck in the same punt so you are not special and basically have no right to feel sorry for your miserable, sleep deprived and red bull fuelled exam term life. Sorry.

“Summer is not that long away”

Oh go on then. We’ll let you have that one.